Kintsukuroi
by Maugurt
Summary: AU. Everything had shattered into pieces and the truth was trickling down from the shards, slowly exposing what hid inside. Time was still moving, but Piper was stuck in an endless loop of self-inflicted pain. (Sequel to Blue Pieces of a Broken Mosaic). TW: Alcohol and drug abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**AN** : Hello again! So this is the sequel to Blue Pieces of a Broken Mosaic that I've been working on for far too long to be honest. I'm sorry for the massive delay, but I've simply not been able to write any faster. Anyways. Thank you so, so much for the support and for all the lovely reviews. It means more to me than you can possibly imagine. I hope you enjoy.

The City's Waking and I'm Drunk Again

The sky was dark, black almost, big clouds looming over the large graveyard. Hard raindrops hit the ground, coloring the argent gray pebbles on the gravel pathways a darker shade. The grass was hard to walk on as the ground beneath it was soaked, feet sinking into it and leaving water filled indents in their wake. It was quiet, so quiet, just the rain making itself known by pouring down onto the silent graves and their stones, rustling the leaves on the trees and bushes as they hit with full force. Nature's own symphony, a composition to lull the grieving visitors into a sense of delusive calm, a toneless melody to take their minds off of their pain. Or to enhance it. The hard drops of water a cruel reminder that after death comes rain, tauntingly pointing out that it gets worse.

Only two people were seen, others probably discouraged by the bad weather or at home, still sleeping.

Piper sat down on her knees, kneeling before her grandmother's grave, head spinning and breath catching in her throat. She stared at the words engraved on the large stone, a nice little paragraph that honestly didn't describe Celeste at all. They looked foreign, like they were picked out by a stranger, yet it had been her father's choice, a passage from the Bible that he had deemed fit. It didn't fit. Celeste was his mother and despite that, he couldn't even find a paragraph for her stone. How was her family so emotionally inept? And why did she have to inherit that trait? She had watched how her parents' relationship had crumbled, how it had grown stale by each passing year, and she was just a bystander, someone on the sidelines without any kind of influence. The fact that they played happy family like they were getting payed for it had fucked Piper up. It had fucked her up so much. In theory, she knew what a relationship was supposed to be like, but she had never been able to put it into practice. She just followed in her parents' footsteps and played a part that wasn't her, a part that lied, a part that wasn't true to her.

"Please don't sit on the ground, Miss Chapman," John said, grabbing her shoulder gently. The blonde jerked away from the touch, stubbornly staying where she was. The small movement made her head spin, making her clutch onto the grass, as if to keep herself from toppling over. She swallowed thickly, forcing down the bile that threatened to cascade from her mouth. It lay heavy in her stomach, but the nauseating feeling was ever present, making her sweat despite the chilly weather. Her eyes felt heavy, like every bit of energy was directed to her esophagus, preventing her from throwing up. It was as if she manually had to retain the contents of her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them, blinking a few times, trying to get her body to work properly. John sighed behind her.

"At least take the umbrella," he offered, but she shook her head before he could hand it to her, breathing heavily through her nose to keep her from getting dizzy again. Piper lowered her head, facing the grass, tugging at it as if to distract herself, if only for just a few seconds. She swallowed thickly, balling her hands into fists.

"When did I become like this? Where did I go wrong?" she whispered, words directed to the person who couldn't answer, the person six feet under who was no longer a person, the person who was nothing but bones. She dragged her hand over the soaked grass, feeling the soft straws on the pads of her fingers, tickling the sensitive skin. There was a pause in her movement, body going rigid as it finally hit her that she was truly, completely, undeniably alone. The only person she felt comfortable talking to was someone who couldn't answer, someone who couldn't help her, someone who could never be by her side again. She was talking to a corpse. She felt the familiar sting in her eyes as they drowned in tears again, the uncomfortable lump in her throat and the snot making its way down to her upper lip.

"If I could just-" She cut herself off, squeezing her eyes shut and forced out tears. "If you were here I'd know what to do." _If you were her_ _e_ _, I wouldn't be alone._ Her bottom lip quivered, words mumbled as to not risk her voice breaking mid sentence. The blonde needed guidance, something Celeste had always offered the times they got to spend together. It didn't happen as often as she'd wanted and more often than not, the old woman would converse with Carol and Bill rather than with her. She couldn't really blame her, though. Conversations with kids were seldom rewarding. But when Piper and Cal got her full attention, she was the best grandmother she could ever wish for. The old woman was the least poisonous person in their family, the person who time and time again proved that there was still some honesty in the world. However, when at social events and the like, Celeste also became a woman of deceit and false smiles. Like most people, in all honesty. Piper couldn't think of one person who never put up a front. It was a defense mechanism, but to some people, it was an art, something to be proud of. The blonde would _never_ be proud of her lies, would _never_ be proud over the fact that she became more and more like Carol by each passing day. The Piper she knew was almost gone, hidden away behind the mirror image of her mother.

"I'm so lost. It's like-" She interrupted herself, suddenly painfully aware of John's presence. He knew about her previous drug habits, but nothing more. It was for the better if it stayed that way. The other didn't need more on his plate. Piper had already been enough trouble for him, a confession regarding her sexuality would be too much. There was also the fact that she wanted to hide that part of herself, _needed_ to hide that part. She also very much needed to forget about raven hair and green eyes that shone so fondly when they met hers. But she couldn't just throw it all away, still too in love with the other woman. The wound was still fresh, just over a week old, and she wasn't ready to let her go just yet.

She had to talk to someone.

"It's like I'm stuck in a dark room without a light switch," she began, phrasing her words vaguely in her head before speaking. "I know there's a door, but the handle is gone and it's just... It's just so hard to find it, to find the way out." She opened her eyes and let the tears fall freely, intertwining their pathways with the raindrops already staining her cheeks. The weather had reflected her mood perfectly the past week, raindrops coinciding with her crying. It was Saturday, eight days since she broke things off with the raven haired woman in the worst way imaginable and she hadn't gotten a good nights sleep since. She had even been awake the whole night before that day. Day and night were just words without meaning, the definition lost as the hours just melded together. Why was she so pathetic? She had no real reason to drink her life away and yet she'd been drinking for a week straight. There were people with worse problems than hers who managed just fine without drugs or alcohol. She was just weak. _So weak_.

"I'm stuck in the darkness and I want to get out, but I feel like I don't deserve the light," she sobbed, eyebrows knitted together tightly. There was a thunderstorm in her chest, lightning pulsing through her limbs, making them shake, and the loud rumble vibrating in her eardrums. Piper put a hand over her mouth, sniveling loudly as she tried to regain control over her voice. She wondered if Alex was in as bad shape as she was. What if the other had broken down completely, more so than her. Piper would never forgive herself if that was the case. She removed her hand from her mouth, grasping at the wet grass again, desperately, feeling the dirt press under her nails.

"There is light outside the room. So bright and so beautiful." It was nothing more than a slurred whisper, almost as if she would be punished further if she even spoke about the other woman. She didn't even deserve to think about her, but her brain betrayed her by replaying their last meeting on a loop and slowed down the pace when Alex's heart shattered. Piper saw that same scene every time she closed her eyes, mind rewinding the tape when she opened them. She had to witness the other woman's heartbreak again and again and again. And each time, a piece of her soul died. It was selfish of her to want Alex back, but she couldn't help it, couldn't help but wonder how she could possibly apologize. But she couldn't do that to her, couldn't risk hurting her again.

"I don't want to ruin it. I don't want to let my darkness cast shadows over it." She let out another sob, wiping away the snot underneath her nose with the back of her hand. More tears ran down her face, paving their way down to her neck. Her pulse was throbbing in her ears, a continuous thumping that never seemed to slow down. Piper swallowed forcefully, keeping herself from puking. She felt so sick, so nauseous, dying almost, like her insides were so broken that they had stopped working all together. The thought didn't scare her. Quite the contrary. If Death itself came to her she would open her arms and embrace it, greet it like she had waited for years. She had, in one way or the other. Just not as actively as she had during the last week.

"I wish I could end it," she said weakly, swallowing around a big lump in her throat. "I wish I could disappear." The last sentence was almost lost between snivels, Piper's voice distorted by her tightening vocal cords. Her throat seemed to clench around the words, making everything incoherent. The blonde's body had started shaking, lungs seemingly collapsing in on themselves. They imploded in her chest, squeezing out the little air she had in them. It was an agonizing feeling that never stopped. She had to live with demolished lungs, a shattered heart and a brain that sent out impulses to her body to do it all over again. Even when she wasn't actively thinking about Alex, her body made sure to punish her for what she had done by sending electric impulses to every organ and every limb, rendering her immobile for long periods of time.

"I want it back. I want it all back. I need-" _Her. I need her._

John put a hand on her shoulder again, umbrella shielding her shaking body from the unforgiving rain. Piper didn't do anything to shy away, too tired to do anything but accept the help she was given. He was a good man who expected nothing in return for his kindness, a man who was, in every aspect of the word, a hero. The other spoke softly, as if to not startle Piper, but she couldn't hear him over the hard patter on the stretched out polyester above her. She turned her gaze up to his kind brown eyes, bloodshot blue drowning in salty tears. John grabbed her upper arm, helping her up on her feet again. The blonde was unsteady, holding onto the man's arm as not to fall. She held his bicep in a vice like grip, blinking a few times to clear her vision. It didn't work. Her eyes were like bad camera lenses, going in and out of focus and duplicating the objects before her. She could make out some things. Trees and bushes were easy to identify with their green leaves. The gravestones framed the gravel pathways like colonnades, making the area look like a labyrinth. It was an intimidating sight.

"Let's get you home," the man said, sounding tired. Piper wasn't sure if she was supposed to have heard those words, but she had and she couldn't help the tinge of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She was annoying, of course she was. Who else but John would have the patience to look after her? Her eyes welled up with tears again. Or had they even dried? She wasn't sure.

"I'm so sorry, John. I'm _so_ sorry," she slurred, clinging to said man's arm, breath hitching as she continued with the apologizes. He tried to hush her, saying soft, reassuring words, comforting words that made Piper feel even more guilty. She used John's kindness for her own selfish reasons. She was the reason behind her own tears and she should stop feeling so damn sorry for herself. He was probably sick of having to comfort her all the time, sick of having to babysit her and make sure that she didn't drink herself to death. He was probably sick of _her_. Period.

The two of them made their way to the car waiting in the parking lot, Piper sobbing into John's shoulder and shaking like she had just gone through the ice of a frozen lake. She held onto the mans arm tightly, gripping it with both hands to steady herself. Her feet wouldn't cooperate properly with her brain, making her lose her footing from time to time. The other managed to walk them both to the car, all the while keeping Piper from falling, as well as keeping them both dry. Or, well... keeping himself dry and keeping the blonde from getting wetter. She crawled into the backseat and all but collapsed against the stiff leather seat, closing her eyes. The blonde faintly registered that John helped her with the seat belt before he closed the door. It was a good idea. It kept her from swaying where she sat. There was another slam, a door closing, that made Piper open her eyes abruptly. She met John's eyes in the rear view mirror.

"You need to talk to Larry," he said sternly, worry evident in both his eyes and voice. The blonde swallowed nervously and averted her eyes, looking to where the landscape passed by outside. They were moving. She hadn't notice the car starting. She didn't even think that she'd had her eyes closed for such a long time. They were at least five minutes from the graveyard already. Piper's ability to react was apparently much slower than she'd thought.

"Piper. He is suffering too." The words were like razors, sharp and they cut her wide open. She closed her eyes again, feeling the salty tears form behind her eyelids, _again_.

"I will," she whispered, heart beating hard in her chest. "I will."


	2. Chapter 2

I Aim for the Sun, but the Shadows Drag Me Down

There was loud music blaring from the speakers, some shitty remake of an old song that people felt the need to ruin. Everyone was asleep around her, floor full of drunken idiots and some blissed out girl next to her in the small couch with a bong still in her hand. The table in front of the couch had a variety of drugs and alcohol and some left over pizza, things that would not be there as soon as people started waking up again. It was a party after all. A party she never had any real interest in attending. And yet, there she was, if only just to numb herself for a while.

Alex stood up, not giving two shits if she woke anyone up in the process. Her head was throbbing and she needed water. She didn't feel thirsty, but she knew better than to get dehydrated while high. Not that she felt high anymore. The rush had faded ages ago, maybe an hour or so. It felt like forever. Her world had slowed down to half its speed and every second felt like an eternity. It was pathetic. She had known the blonde for, what, five months? It was ridiculous how attached she had gotten. And the other woman hadn't even cared about her. She was just an experiment, some adventure the other didn't get to have in college. Rich straight girls, always the types to use people for their own selfish desires.

The raven haired woman made her way to the kitchen, careful as to not stumble over the people sprawled out on the floor. Who even were these people?

As she entered the room, literally only a small stove, an equally small sink with various leftovers and a fridge fit, she was met by a horrible stench. She furrowed her eyebrows in disgust and wrinkled her nose, only breathing trough her mouth. Where the fuck had she ended up? There had been a party at Nicky's, but she had left with a bunch of strangers, ended up in a small apartment where their little group had continued. Their little group of like, 15 people, her excluded.

She opened the fridge and took out a bottle of water that still had an unbroken seal and opened it, gulping down the cold liquid. One week had passed since Piper had told her to stay away. It had been a week from hell. She had probably only slept 14 hours in total and not one waking moment had she relaxed, busying herself with whatever she could come up with. She wasn't supposed to be so codependent, especially not with someone she hadn't even spent that much time with. She didn't even know anything about the blonde woman, only what she had read in magazines. It was beyond her why she had kept reading about her after that day. It was just... hard to let go.

It would be eight days that evening. Eight days since she got her heart torn into shreds.

She put the bottle back into the refrigerator and walked into the living room again. The music made the whole room, nay, the whole apartment vibrate and yet, people were still fast asleep, sprawled across the floor like shards from a broken plate. The heavy bass was loudly interrupting any peace a Saturday morning could offer, but the loud noise was a welcomed distraction. Or, well, she had hoped that it would be. As soon as the group had entered the small flat, Alex had started the music right away, hoping to drown her ever present thoughts out. Deep down she knew that it wouldn't work, but she hoped for a miracle. The first few minutes had her believing in some kind of higher power, but as flashes of blue reentered her consciousness, she gave up on the idea of distracting herself with music. She didn't bring herself to actually turning it off, though. Even as the light shining in through the window changed from that of streetlights to sun rays, the music kept on blaring from the busted speakers.

The raven haired woman looked around the room, shaking her head with raised eyebrows. _This is your new low. Good job_.

There was a vibration in her pocket, shifting her focus from the scene before her. She picked her phone up, blue light in the upper corner indicating an incoming message. It was probably Nicky wondering where she'd ended up last night. Unlocking her phone, she found that she'd been right. It was a message from her frizzy haired friend, but what caught her eyes instead was the conversation two rows down. The conversation she should have deleted eight days ago. Three simple words could be seen, cold and nonchalant. "Bring the suitcase." How could she ever have fooled herself into thinking that the blonde was interested in her? She clicked on the conversation, ignoring Nicky completely, and scrolled to the top, reading the messages. Not once had the other sent a smiley or something that was out of the business norm. Every message was strict, like speaking to a robot. Alex clenched her jaws while reading through their longest conversation; eight messages back and forth and it was about the dress code. She shook her head. How had she nestled herself into the other woman's web? How had she been so endeared by her? She looked up from her phone, lips in a thin line, irritated and angry. When she, for once, had let her guard down, it had all gone to shit. There was a reason why she wasn't keen on letting people in. Too many had stepped on her over the years.

Her gaze wandered through the room, searching for something to calm her down, stopping once she saw what lay on the table. There were bongs, joints, pills, powder, beer and vodka bottles, half empty glasses with dubious content and regular cigarettes. It was just a smorgasbord of shit, basically.

She walked over to it, probably bumping into people on the floor, but not caring enough to even register it, picking up the vodka bottle. It frustrated her _so much_ that the blonde made her so angry. Like, she'd made it quite clear that she didn't want her in her _perfect_ little life, so why couldn't Alex have her life to herself? Why did Piper have to invade her mind all the time?

It was so obvious that she wasn't high anymore. She'd started to feel again. When intoxicated, she could at least block some of her thoughts and feelings out. Heavy emphasis on _some_.

She lifted the bottle to her mouth and took a big gulp of the liquid fire, grateful that it was already open. The alcohol felt foreign in her throat. Instead of the usual burn, it left nothing in its wake, not even numbness. She took another gulp and another and another, but with the same result. Even the sweet relief of liquor was gone, had abandoned her, betrayed her when she needed it the most. She studied the bottle, tilted it to take a whiff of its content. It smelled like alcohol, strong and disgusting. Why the fuck couldn't she feel the taste?

Shaking her head in disbelief, she raised the bottle to her lips again, squeezing her eyes shut while swallowing at least five mouth-fulls of the room tempered alcohol. If only she hadn't stayed that one time, the time Piper had scared her half to death when she grabbed her arm. She could have just left the house and never engaged in anything more than supplying her with drugs. It started before that, though, the unwanted need to help a lost soul. She'd never really given advice to any of her previous costumers, used to dealing with long time junkies, but the blonde had just looked so... so innocent, like a scared mouse wanting to flee. Alex had been struck by a sudden desire to protect her, to deny her the drugs, but she'd known that the other would have just looked for it elsewhere. There were far worse dealers than her and she couldn't stand the thought of Piper getting in trouble with such people. Call it instant infatuation or plain stupidity. She had been weak and was now paying for it. Though her decisions could hardly be seen as karma. Drinking her days and nights away was a choice she had made, a poor choice and she couldn't blame anyone but herself. If she didn't calm down with the drugs and alcohol, it wouldn't take long until she was passed out in a ditch somewhere, drowning in her own vomits.

She slumped down on the couch where she previously sat, leaning back into the worn cushion behind her. Everything felt so fruitless. Whatever she did, she thought about Piper. When awake, memories of their encounters would play in her head and whenever she was asleep, there the blonde was with empty promises of a better tomorrow. She was stuck in a whirlpool and she couldn't swim against the stream. If there was anything in life she wanted to take back, it was opening up to the blonde, a total stranger. It had taken years for her to talk to Nicky about feelings and such, let alone her past. Piper, the fucking mayor of New York, knew more about her than anyone else. Alex had told her a very personal moment the first time the other told her to stay. She had felt comfortable enough to share that memory and she couldn't understand what had made her feel so safe. Usually, she was a very guarded person, but the blonde had torn her walls down the very first time they met.

She didn't know if she should feel impressed or depressed.

Ever since her mother passed away, she had practically shut down emotionally, had only let the frizzy haired brunette in. And then Piper came and fucked shit up. How was she supposed to trust people again? According to psychology, she would be an emotional recluse and never fall in love again. She put down the vodka bottle and picked up one of the spliffs. Her head had started to spin, the vodka finally doing something right. She'd started having doubts about the liquor, had even wondered if it _was_ liquor. At least she knew that it indeed was alcohol in the bottle as she became more and more intoxicated. Alex stared blankly at the spliff, stomach growling loudly for something to eat. When was the last time she ate something? She couldn't remember. It was hard to keep track as she was in a drug or alcohol induced haze most of the time.

 _Maybe I should eat_.

The spliff in her hand looked very tempting, though, unlike the pizza slices on the table. They looked as cheap as they were and while Alex wasn't picky, she imagined how the restaurant from which they came must look like and that alone practically diminished her hunger. She put her phone down on her lap, suddenly very aware of the device, and lit the joint in her mouth. Had she really just been holding the phone the whole time? Apparently. She took a deep drag and held the smoke in her lungs for a few seconds, feeling the slight irritation in her throat before exhaling. It clouded her senses immediately, lulling her into a much needed calm.

Without thinking, she picked up her phone again, unlocking it to continue her masochistic pass time. The blonde was saved as "P". P for pretentious prat. She smiled at her childish insult, not giving a damn that she acted like a five year old with a foul vocabulary.

There was one text that stood out among the others. It wasn't _that_ different, but it stood out like a sore thumb. "I need you here earlier. Can you come by at 8:00 pm instead?" _I need you_. It was all she could see, all she could focus on. Piper had needed her, had wanted her there earlier. That time, she'd been there five hours instead of three. The blonde had cried so much and she hadn't been able to console her, hadn't been able to do anything but hold her. It was the first time the other woman had bared her soul, the first time she had allowed herself to be truly vulnerable. She had shed a few tears before, but not at all like that time. Alex had almost choked up herself, on the verge of breaking down with her without knowing what had happened. She hadn't gotten an explanation. They never spoke of it again. Alex had figured that Piper would talk when she was ready, but it never happened. As usual, it was left untold and she was left in the dark. The blonde always left her in the dark, never shared anything. What could she possibly have fallen for when she didn't know anything about her?

The room felt very empty all of a sudden, despite it quite obviously being overcrowded. It was as if all the people around her had disappeared and she was left with just herself and her thoughts. Her thoughts of a certain mayor. She had been around so many people the past week and yet she had never felt more lonely. Willing back stubborn tears, she took another deep drag of the joint, hoping to rid herself of the anxiety attack clawing at her lungs, waiting to break out of its cage and consume her body. It was not the right time nor place. It was not the right lifetime. She wasn't supposed to get anxiety over a woman, especially not over a pragmatic bitch who did whatever she pleased. Again, she clenched her jaws, teeth almost aching from the pressure. What hurt more was the realization that she would do it all again if she had the chance, even when aware of the outcome. She was just so damn gone for the other woman, so painfully in love that she would probably do anything to have it all back. If Piper wanted someone to act as her door mat, she would lie down and ask to be stepped on and it really wasn't fair. She wanted to let go of the blonde, to move on with her life. But life wasn't easy. The messages on her phone that she refused to delete was evidence of that.

She threw the phone across the room, seeing it hit the wall and split open from the force of it, probably erasing the last trace of Piper she had. Someone in the room began speaking over the loud music, but all Alex could hear was the blonde's voice on repeat in her head; the silent plea from 12 days ago.

 _I need you_.

 **AN:** Thank you all so much for the follows, favorites and reviews. It means so much to me and I'm so glad that you're still interested in this even if it was such a long time ago that Blue Pieces was posted. I am so happy and so grateful.

Okay, so this chapter is clearly from Alex's point of view. I figured I would change it up a bit and show you guys what's inside her head and not just Piper's (as suggested by a reader whose name I can't for the life of me remember. I'm so sorry!). I hope you like it because there are two more chapters like it, haha! If you don't, you can skip chapter 5 and 8. Anyways, thank you for reading.

All the love. x


	3. Chapter 3

I'm Chronically Blue, Surrounded by Darkness

Piper put one hand on the door, not pushing it open, but just resting it there, as if to ground herself before diving head first into the abyss that she had avoided for so long. Her _fiance_ was on the other side, probably sitting on on the sofa with a book as usual. He always looked so calm and relaxed while reading, totally engulfed in another world. She envied that, but would never intentionally do anything to ruin it for him. Slowly, carefully, she put force on the wooden door, opening it quietly. As she had imagined, he sat on the soft furniture, book in hand, but instead of the usual serene expression, his face was empty, eyes focused on a spot in front of him. The blonde swallowed thickly at the sight. He looked exhausted, _sick_ , with dark circles under his eyes and cheeks slightly hollowed. As if disrupted from whatever he was thinking about, he looked up, tired gaze meeting Piper's. His eyes widened in shock as he rose from the sofa, book falling from his hands to the floor, feet stumbling a little as he moved towards her.

"Oh my God, _Piper_ ," he croaked out, voice hoarse, like he hadn't slept in days. When he didn't stop as he approached, the blonde raised both hands as if to prevent him from colliding with her. He didn't come to a halt before he was but a foot from her with Piper pushing weakly at his chest in a futile attempt to get him to back away. The gesture visibly confused him, but he didn't step back, instead raised his hand to caress her cheek. She let it happen.

"You've been crying," he stated, seemingly more to himself. The blonde only nodded as a response, trying her hardest to resist the intimacy she craved so much. She wanted to be embraced, touched, _kissed_. It didn't matter who did it. Before she could stop herself, she leaned into the touch and closed her eyes, just savoring the sweet moment of temporary familiarity.

It wasn't right.

She opened her eyes and looked into Larry's, searching for some unknown answers. He didn't say anything, just observed her silently.

"Please, sit down, Larry," she whispered and turned her head from the other's comforting palm. For a moment, she had forgotten how much alcohol she had consumed, but the realization came crashing down on her when the small gesture made her dizzy. The slightest movement had her almost falling.

"But-"

"Please," she interrupted, taking a deep breath. "There's something you need to know."

"I-I haven't seen you all week, Pipes, and now when you're finally speaking to me again, you look like you're dying. John told me to stay away and- by the way, he can't just do that, but he did and-"

"Larry-" the blonde interrupted again, placing her hands on the man's cheeks to stop him from ranting.

"No!" he almost yelled, grabbing Piper's wrists forcefully, making her flinch. "No." His voice was calm again, lower, as his grip loosened. He let go of her hands and followed them with his gaze as the blonde let her arms fall down to her sides.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, swallowing thickly, looking up at her again. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper, I-" He swallowed again, eyes tearing up. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again.

"You're clearly not well and I'm left in the dark here. I was- I _am_ worried sick." Larry raised his hand slightly, as if he wanted to take Piper's in his, but regretted it halfway, dropping it again. The blonde felt her knees getting weak. She had hurt him. She knew that she had, but actually seeing how broken he was... It was like a replay of the previous Friday, but with her fiance instead, with her best friend. Piper had seen enough pain to last for a lifetime and yet she kept adding to her repertoire. She got a vile taste in her mouth, like something rotten lay there, waiting to come out. It wasn't far from the truth. Her words were poison and she spread it around, killing the people closest to her.

"That's why I need to talk to you," she said, trying to sound composed when she was at the brink of breaking down. Larry looked at her questioningly, but said nothing. The blonde walked over to the sofa and sat down, looking at the other purposefully as an indicator for him to join her. The other seemed reluctant somehow, but sat down next to her only seconds after. Even after three years, he was still so in love with her, still so willing to do anything she asked of him. Why had she let it go so far? She could have ended their relationship years ago, three years ago, before it even started... But she had been weak. Still was. Still so very, _very_ weak.

"I want to explain everything," she said while looking at her hands. "I need to." Larry raised his hand again, reaching for hers, but Piper stood up, a little too quickly, almost falling down. She took a step from the sofa, wobbly legs just barely keeping her upright. It was ridiculous how she felt sober one second, but as soon as she moved, her body stopped cooperating. Typical. There was no one else to blame, but her either. Everything was just her own damn fault.

"Piper," Larry said, tone careful. "Are you... Are you drunk?" The blonde took a shaky breath, closing her eyes as to not see the other's disappointment.

" _Yes_ ," she whispered, word like lava in her mouth, scolding her tongue as it escaped from her lips, leaving nothing but ashes in her mouth. The room fell absolutely silent, only Piper's quivering breaths echoing between the walls. There came an exhale from the other, like someone had punched the last bit of air from his lungs, an exhausted, disbelieving exhale. It was a wonder that he hadn't noticed earlier, apparently too blinded by just being able to see her again.

"I have-" Her voice broke. "I have been lying to you." She opened her eyes again, tears running down her cheeks. Larry met her gaze, confusion written on his features. There was a wild animal in her chest, clawing and biting into her flesh in desperate attempts to escape. Piper took a deep breath, bottom lip shaking uncontrollably along with her chin, eyebrows furrowed deeply.

"I'm... We never stood a chance." All the words were at the tip of her tongue, but none of them came out. Instead she spoke vaguely, not really giving an answer. The other shook his head, seemingly not understanding one word. The blonde's stomach twisted uncomfortably, making her want to throw up. It was a feeling she had gotten more or less used to, but seeing Larry so lost made it feel worse. He didn't deserve to be treated the way she had treated him. No one around her deserved what she had put them through.

The room seemed smaller suddenly, walls closing in on her, making the air in the room seem insufficient, thin, thick, pulsating. She was suffocating with every inhale, choking as the oxygen particles seemed to expand in her esophagus and shrink again when reaching her lungs.

"When we met. It wasn't chance or fate," she began, voice weak, raspy almost. "I knew that you would be at that party because Healy told me." She wet her lips, letting Larry take in what she had just said. If she could at least ease into it and not just throw him head first into the fire pit, then maybe it would be just a little easier to handle. It would be hard for him, that much she knew, but there were good ways to explain things and then there were bad ways. The way she broke things off with Alex was bad, plainly cruel, actually. She swallowed around a big lump, feeling like her throat was burning, like she had a red giant blocking her windpipe, worsening her suffocating while it sent heat waves through her torso and out to her fingers and toes.

"He told me to strike up a conversation with you, to see if we would hit it off." Larry's lips parted slightly, a small crease forming between his eyebrows. He didn't look angry, just confused. He lowered his gaze, eyes fixed somewhere beside Piper.

"The thing is," she continued, voice thick as more tears ran down her cheeks. "I really liked you, still do, and I never thought that I would. I felt so bad." The blonde started pacing back and forth in front of the sofa, trying to phrase her words carefully in her head before speaking. For once, she thought things through without blabbering nervously and for once, her body didn't shut down on her. Despite the very present nausea, she managed to keep the content in her stomach down and she wasn't slurring. If she did, she hadn't noticed. Her legs also worked surprisingly well as she wasn't stumbling nearly as much as she had anticipated.

"I was afraid." It was a quiet confession. "It's not an excuse, I know, but I was _so scared_." She wiped away the drops making their way down her face, skin sore from the past week's constant rubbing.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Larry. But I knew that I would." _And yet I didn't stop_. She came to a halt, sniveling loudly. It was so pathetic of her to cry when she was the one who was hurting people. If someone had the right to cry, it was Larry. The blonde had stolen three years of his life. Three years where he could have started a life with someone else, but no. She had ruined three years that she could never give back. Piper took a deep breath and another, trying to regain control over her breathing. She was no longer choking or suffocating, but the air still seemed thick, somehow, like they were in a sauna. There was a slight pause before she spoke again, voice breaking on the first word.

"He encouraged me to keep lying and when he told me that you would propose, I freaked out." She took a deep breath. "I said that I wanted out, that he had taken it too far, but-" _but I was weak_. She dared a glance towards the other who still just stared ahead, shoulders slumped in defeat. It was like all the energy had drained from him, leaving him stoic where he sat in the middle of the sofa. Weren't it for his slowly rising and sinking chest, he could pass for a mannequin. Piper inhaled sharply, feeling like someone had punctured her lungs with a jagdkommando dagger, twisting it before pulling it out, leaving her to bleed out. Her hands began shaking as she tried to ignore the sharp pain in her chest.

"It's been so long. I've lead you on for so long, too long." _I'm sorry_. There were still words she needed to say, words that for some reason wouldn't form. She tried to tell the truth, but it felt like she was just talking in circles.

"I'm sorry that it had to be like this." _I'm so sorry_. More tears. It was a wonder that she could still cry. She'd figured that her tear ducts would dry out after two days or so, but there she was, proving that theory wrong. Piper took a deep breath, contemplating whether she wanted Larry to look at her or not when she dropped the next bomb on him. On one hand, it would feel more genuine, but on the other hand, she didn't know if she could take seeing the realization dawn on him. She turned her gaze towards the ceiling, closing her eyes for a second. The question was if she would survive the atomic blast herself, or if she would be incinerated as well.

"Larry, I'm... I like... women," she forced out, facing the other again with new tears forming in her eyes. There was a sudden emptiness in her body, like she'd become hollow. The weight from the secret had lifted, but she felt nothing instead. There was no trace of the previous sadness or even guilt. What she felt was relief and it scared her. She couldn't have just lost her empathy, right?

"I'm so sorry. I should have told you," she said, words sounding as hollow to her as she felt. "It was unfair of me to let you believe that I loved you." _Love_. The word that forever haunted her, the word that made her crash land back into reality where _everything hurt_ , the word that she didn't even deserve to say out loud.

"It was all fake," Larry stated, eyes empty with a matching facial expression. He wet his lips, finally meeting her gaze. Piper regretted searching his eyes as soon she saw the absolute dejection in them. There was still no anger coming from him. Disbelief, yes. Hurt, absolutely. But not a trace of resentment. The blonde shook her head, feeling the dizziness take over again.

"No, no. Of course not," she blurted out. "It's just... I always loved you, but like a friend. You're my very best friend." It did little to nothing, it seemed. Larry still looked miserable, like his whole world had been squished under her foot. She felt like a tyrant, a dictator who had done everything to save herself without consideration for anyone else.

"I should have known that you were suffering," he whispered, visibly fighting back tears. "There was always something..." he trailed off, gaze flickering down to the floor, eyes searching for invisible answers.

"I-I should have helped." Another whisper. "O-Or at least asked." _Nonono_. Piper shook her head again, walking over to the sofa and sat down next to him.

"No, Larry, stop. It's my fault. I was weak and I was scared and I lied. I'm _so_ sorry," she blurted out, grabbing his hands to get his full attention. He turned his head and looked at her, cheeks wet and small droplets falling down to stain his shirt. The sight made her own eyes water again. She shook her head again, not finding more words. They sat like that a couple of seconds or so before they embraced each other, both sobbing into each other's necks. It was such a relief to know that Larry didn't hate her. He was hurt, but he didn't hate her. The other had been her best friend for so long, she couldn't stand losing him.

" _Is there someone else?_ " Piper squeezed him tighter, feeling her heart crumble even further. She nodded slightly, just the smallest movement, but she could feel Larry stiffen in her arms as a result of the small gesture, a broken sob disappearing into her shoulder. The sound went straight to her spine, making her tremble, shaking her very core. Her body felt like ice, like she was an ice sculpture, frozen into place with nothing to make her thaw, her heart failing to pump blood through her body to make her warm. She clutched the fabric under her palms, desperately holding onto Larry as if that would make his pain go away.

" _I'm so sorry, Larry. I'm so, so sorry_ ," she sniveled, tears, snot and probably drool coloring the fabric of his shirt a darker color. The fact that the other did nothing to push her away sparked some kind of hope in Piper, but it didn't last long. She felt how Larry's grip loosened, his arms seemingly growing weak around her. It was as if the little energy he had earlier had dissipated completely. He would never forgive her. She would lose her best friend.

"Is he- _she_ , someone I know?" the other asked tiredly, letting go of her. The blonde wiped at her eyes, meeting the other's again. They looked swollen and red and _broken_. There was something other there as well, something that she hadn't seen in a long time. The brown pools which she stared into flickered with something close to indignation, a feeling Larry hadn't aimed towards her in months. It was so vague, though, like the man tried to suppress it. He seemed to hold so much back and Piper almost wanted him to yell at her, to show her anything but the immense pain evident in his face.

"No," she whispered, answering his question after what seemed like minutes. It was as if time sped away and she couldn't keep up with it, but it also felt as if everything stood still as well. The brunet moved his head slightly, a slow nod as if he processed a lot of information.

"So you just met her?" His voice was low, but there was a certain urgency in it, like he would burst if she didn't answer. He had yet to yell, though, which only made her more antsy. She felt like she was being squeezed, like she sat next to a ticking time bomb. Piper had only ever seen Larry angry a handful of times and it wasn't very pleasant. It was as if he bottled everything up inside and once he reached his tipping point, all of it would spill out, every ugly little feeling that he had been suppressing. She was waiting for that to happen.

"Larry-"

"No, I'm... I'm sorry," he interrupted, lowering his gaze to the floor. "I'm being unfair." The words felt like salt in her wounds. She was the one who was unfair. She was the one who had cheated, she was the one who had lied. The blonde wanted to reach out and grab Larry's hand again, but she was frozen to the spot, unable to even lift a finger. The only movement she could muster was forcing out more tears by blinking. Even the raise of her chest seemed to do more harm than good as it felt like her ribs had cracked from the impact of the other's words. Some minutes of silence passed, at least it felt like minutes, before the man spoke again.

"I-I'm sorry, I know that you probably shouldn't be alone, and I want to be here for you, but it's-" Larry rose from the sofa, a slow movement that seemed hesitant. His gaze was fixed on something on the floor some feet away.

"I can't just be your friend, Piper. Not right now." The blonde nodded despite feeling like that was the last thing she wanted to hear, eyes welling up once again. She understood why Larry needed to get away, understood that they would probably never be friends again. Her betrayal was simply too big. While she was heartbroken over a fling that never even took off, the brunet would have to get over a three year relationship which had always been one sided. Larry truly loved her and she couldn't even imagine how he felt standing in front of the person who had ruined his life in a matter of minutes.

"Of course," she managed, voice forced and tight. The other faced her again, jaws clenched tightly as if to prevent himself from speaking again. It was painful to see every last piece of trust completely blown away. He didn't even trust her enough to speak up about whatever bothered him. Not that she blamed him. She wouldn't trust herself either. Again, there was something vague in his eyes, but Piper couldn't place the mixed emotions. The only thing that she could really pinpoint was hurt and, despite everything, so much love, so much adoration. She didn't deserve it.

"We'll see what happens. I just... I need some time. This whole... _Us_..." He made a gesture with his hand as if to punctuate just what "us" meant. Piper could tell that he was struggling to find words, eyebrows slightly furrowed. There was a moment of hesitation before he just sighed and let his hand fall to his side, gaze moving to the floor again.

"I have to go," he mumbled as he turned around. She watched as the other walked towards the door., head hanging low. He stopped with one hand on the handle, looking back to her. _Please, don't leave me_.

"Goodbye, Piper. For now," he said, voice so flat. It seemed so final despite the positive wording. He probably had no intention to ever see her again, but the blonde would hold onto the last words.

"For now," she answered with reluctant optimism, swallowing thickly as she forced back tears. Larry nodded, a barely visible gesture, before he left the room, left her. The feeling of absolute loneliness washed over her, like a freezing tidal wave. Her breathing quickened, lungs filling up with what felt like syrup. She had nothing left. There was nothing left for her. _I can't be alone_. She closed her eyes, trying so hard not to envision her organs imploding. She would work things out. She would survive.

 _I don't want to die alone._

 **AN** : Hello again! I want to start off by saying thank you to all the guests who have left such lovely reviews. I just wish that I could answer them. I also want to thank everyone who've favorited and followed me/this story. You are all absolute babes (the ones who just read it as well) and if I could, I would give you all a cookie or something.

Also, thank you to my trusty beta Trasigtnintendo. For those of you who don't know her, what are you doing? Go read her fics. Like now.

And as always, all the love. x


	4. Chapter 4

It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane

The blonde wiped away the tears with the palms of her hands, throat dry and stomach screaming for something to fill it up. She stood up, legs almost giving out under her weight. It was as if the muscles in her legs had deteriorated during the short conversation with Larry. Even the muscles in her hands seemed to crumble as they started to shake terribly, like she was a junky who'd gone too long without a fix. Was it possible to become an addict over a week or two? If it was, she definitely had. She'd become a person she used to look down on, a person she wouldn't even glance at twice as she'd found them so pathetic. She was pathetic. Nothing she did was good enough anymore. She had reduced herself to a low life whose only comfort came from a bottle. Her eyes unconsciously searched for the liquor cabinet, landing on it quickly as she knew exactly where it was. It had been used frequently the past week and even before that, all in order to make her feel less, to make her feel nothing. If only she could actually feel nothing. There was too much going on in her head, though. All the time. Every thought she had kept spinning and spinning and spinning, whirling around in order to not be forgotten, to remind her that she had made bad choices. The closest thing to calm she had gotten was when she was high, but that was not an option anymore.

Piper staggered towards the liquor cabinet, legs still wobbly. She opened it and took out a bottle of gin, unscrewing the cap and took a swig. It didn't taste nearly as bitter as she remembered it. She had never really liked gin, but Larry had insisted on buying it. Neither had opened the bottle, it had just stood there in the cabinet among many other untouched bottles. Maybe it was for the greater good that she had started emptying the collection of various liquors.

She took another gulp, swallowing it as easily as if it had been water.

There came a click from the door, indicating that someone had opened it, followed by a low sigh, a sound she probably wasn't supposed to hear. But she had. She had heard it and couldn't help but feel almost embarrassed.

"Ma'am," The word sounded so disgustingly professional, a phrase John had started using only when annoyed or concerned. "I suggest you cancel your appearance at the event tonight." Piper turned around, finally facing the man. He looked stressed, a small crease between his dark eyebrows, ebony skin glistening on his forehead as if he had been running. Or maybe he had been outside. Was it still raining, perhaps?

"I most certainly will not," she stated, words slurred, but firm. She couldn't for the life of her remember what kind of event she was supposed to attend, but knowing herself, she'd written a speech long ago if that was the reason for her appearance. Always one to be proper and always one to abide to the rules. She laughed out loud at the thought, sound coming out a bit hysterical.

"I am the mayor after all," she said, raising the bottle in her hand as if to make a toast before taking yet another gulp of the clear liquid. John walked up to her and grabbed the gin bottle from her hand, eyes sharp as they bore into hers.

"You can't keep drinking if you intend to actually go," he snapped. Piper felt herself shrink under the other's gaze, words hard as steel. She had never seen or heard John angry before and certainly not directed at her.

"I have been nothing but patient, but you need to snap out of it. You are ruining everything for yourself." His words were still sharp, but his face had softened a bit, almost as if he had noticed how intimidated the blonde had become. He sighed again, shaking his head slightly. She had never seen him look so disappointed. The worst part was that all the disappointment was directed at her. She was truly a failure when the one person who'd stayed beside her through all this shit had finally had enough.

"I don't know if you care about your position in office anymore, but at least think about your future. Don't burn all the bridges because of this," he raised the bottle as if to really punctuate what he was talking about. "You deserve better." Piper couldn't find any words, suddenly nauseous. She was afraid that she would throw up would she open her mouth. John screwed the cap back on and put the bottle back into the liquor cabinet. The blonde was still speechless, just staring at the man who seemingly had nothing more to say. He had made his point, that's for sure.

"Drink some water, get some sleep. Just, please sober up." Piper lowered her gaze to the floor, just staring ahead with empty eyes. Maybe it was for the best if she actually listened to her bodyguard for once.

xxx

The engine of the car let out a low, droning sound, a sound that almost lulled her to sleep. It was soothing as it was so even, so consistent. She wouldn't have gotten so drowsy had it been irregular. The fact that she sat alone in the back of a limousine only made her more tired. There was no one for her to talk to so she was left to her own demise. _Just me, myself and I_. She tapped her fingers on her knees, looking around the spacious car to find _something_ to keep herself from falling asleep. Who even used limos? Like, couldn't she just have gone with John in his car? Hell, even taking the buss was more appealing. She would look like a douche arriving alone in a long ass car.

Piper had spent the day trying to sober up, as John had advised. It hadn't worked very well. When she tried to sleep, she felt nauseous and when she tried to throw up, she felt tired. Eventually, though, she had managed to empty her stomach, but it did little to nothing to help with her ever present headache. At about five pm, two hours earlier, it finally dawned on her that she would leave the house for the first time since she'd met up with Alex, excluding her short visit to the cemetery that morning. She would have to socialize with _a lot_ of people and she'd cursed herself for not thinking about that. The last time she'd left her house, she had ruined her life for good and now she was about to do it again. Probably. Most likely. Piper had handled the crisis the only way she knew how.

Needless to say, the vodka bottle under her bed was empty before she got dressed.

And now she was running late. Fortunately, she wasn't supposed to hold her speech at the opening of the ceremony, but rather one hour in or so. All she knew was that she would be called up on the stage at some point and she would say some words about... something. She had found her speech on the desk in her room, as expected, and as long as she read what she had written, she would be fine. Thank God for her need to finish things long before hand.

The car stopped suddenly. Piper looked out from the window next to her and saw the grand building that stood proudly between two skyscrapers. A red carpet led up the stairs and to the open doors, paparazzi and other cameramen standing behind velvet ropes on either side of it, frantically snapping pictures of b-list celebrities that had showed up to the event. The blonde felt like a monkey in a cage more than the mayor of New York. She was there to smile and be looked at, just like the other animals around her. She swallowed the thick lump in her throat, willing her legs to work. Or, well, willing her body to work. The last thing she wanted was to empty her stomach on some poor bystander.

The door opened and she caught a glimpse of John's hand, outstretched for her to grab. The lights in the background kept her from seeing much else, blinded by the constant flashing of the various cameras. Piper grabbed the waiting hand and got out of the car, smiling widely as she always did, careful and graceful. She didn't feel the least bit graceful, though, as her head started spinning as soon as she moved. Despite her dizziness and lingering nausea, she kept herself from falling, kept herself from even swaying. If someone deserved an Oscar for a stellar performance, it was her. As far as she knew, she kept her poise and no one could tell that she was drunk out of her mind. John thankfully guided her away from any reporters and into the building, arm hooked with hers and face completely stiff. He knew.

"Thank you," she whispered, squeezing his arm slightly.

"Save it," he replied, voice cold. The blonde felt her eyes well up and she wanted to explain herself, but before she could speak, the owner of the building walked up to her for a greeting. John let go of her arm and walked back a step or two, keeping himself at a distance. Fine. If he didn't want to listen, then he wouldn't have to. Piper blinked back the tears and put on the biggest smile her face allowed without treading into clown territory. She was guided up another set of stairs once inside the building. It was a long and broad stairway clad in a red carpet much like the one outside, but the blonde guessed that it was a finer material as it was indoors. They held a light conversation, the man beside her laughing nervously from time to time. He led her into the ball room when they reached the top of the stairs, the old man beside her babbling about... whatever. He excused himself once inside, had to make sure that the canapes were being served. They clearly were as several waiters and waitresses carried trays with said hors d'oeuvres. She had made him uncomfortable. That was a first.

One of the waiters walked up to her with a glass of champagne, an offer she couldn't refuse. She happily accepted the glass, which frankly wasn't nearly as full as she had hoped, and downed it in one go. Putting the crystal, or whatever, glass down on one of the nearby tables, she walked into to the room fully, not wanting to just loom by the door, suddenly drowning in the chatter of the millionaires around her. What a disgusting sound. How had she never noticed how even the sound of these people was so sickeningly fake? She couldn't help but roll her eyes at a conversation taking place beside her. Something about being embarrassed because someone's offspring had been seen with the wrong person at the wrong place.

"Mrs. Chapman?" Piper blinked a few times, noticing a couple in front of her. Oh. Had they been communicating with her?

"Miss, but otherwise, that would be me?" It was a statement, but it sounded more like a question in her own ears. She wondered if it had sounded the same to them. The look they shared told her that it had. They too seemed uncomfortable all of a sudden. Was she really that different from her usual self?

The answer was most likely yes.

"Miss Chapman, of course. I'm sorry if I may seem intrusive, but are you alright?" It was the woman who spoke. A woman in her forties maybe who seemingly wanted to look twenty-two, what with her short, skin tight dress and face filled with more plastic than the toys she used to play with as a child. The blonde wanted to raise her eyebrows at the question. It sounded so stupid in her ears, but the pair couldn't possibly know that she had been through hell and back. She decided on a tight smile instead.

"You don't just seem intrusive. You _are_ intrusive," she answered with a sugary sweet voice, maybe slurring a bit, maybe not. The woman was visibly taken aback, eyebrows probably raised as much as they could, which wasn't really much. It just looked very unnatural and strained, like her skin would rip if she moved her facial muscles even a little more.

"I-I'm so sorry." _As you should_. Thankfully, she still had some kind of filter. It would be fun, though, to just speak freely, to just say what came to mind. She wouldn't, of course, but it was a tempting thought.

"So where's your man?" Piper turned to the other person before her, a man with an equal amount of botox in his face and to top it off, a receding hairline partly covered by a toupee. How unfortunate.

"For starters, he's no longer _my man_. Never really was _my_ man, either, as you can't own a person. I thought we abolished slavery? Second, he's not here. Obviously. I don't know, ask him." She gave him the same sweet smile before she turned on her heels and walked away from the sad, sad couple. It felt refreshing, somehow, like she had been waiting to do that her whole life. Maybe she had. Probably, considering the people she'd had around her growing up. She shivered at the thought of those pretentious bastards that only cared about status. Every topic was a mine field around rich people. You couldn't say certain things, talk about certain people and you could never act like an actual human being with feelings. Feelings were for weak people. Always. Most of her family's friends married people to gain something. Maybe a business, maybe a villa in Saint Tropez or why not just the name. The last name was important amongst people high up in the hierarchy. Without the name, you could kiss titles and certain privileges goodbye.

Another waiter walked by her, a classic movie waiter with glasses on a tray, and Piper was quick to snag two champagne glasses before he had passed her completely.

She looked around the room and met John's gaze. If he was an animal, he would be a shark, ready to attack. His eyes were sharp, jaws clenched. Piper narrowed her eyes before she downed the champagne from one of the glasses. It was so, so stupid and she didn't really know why she did it, but somehow she felt the urge, no, the need to disobey him. He only wanted what was best for her and she knew that, but for some reason, that had made the brat in the blonde come to life. Maybe because her parents had never really had _her_ best intentions in mind when raising her.

As yet another waiter walked by her, this time someone with canapes, she put the empty glass on the tray and turned her attention elsewhere. She had no energy for John at the moment. Another couple walked up to her, followed by another and suddenly a gaggle of people she had no interest in stood around her, or more like in a half circle before her. The so called perk of being the mayor.

"Your dress is simply stunning, Mrs Chapman," one of the women said, making a gesture with her hand to further show what she was talking about. As if it wasn't obvious enough when she said the word "dress". Piper furrowed her eyebrows in annoyance, not at the gesture, but at the incessant need to call her "Mrs". It was as if it was important to point out that she should be married when in a high position. Or just because it was expected of her as she was a woman. Women weren't supposed to be strong on their own, just as Mr. Healy so kindly had pointed out time and time again.

"I'm not married," she said sharply. "You would have known if Larry and I had tied the knot, it would have been everywhere in the news. I'm still Miss, thank you very much." Piper heard how much she slurred. She wasn't the least bit surprised given the fact that the alcohol level in her blood was higher than the IQ of most people around her. The tone in her voice, or maybe the sharpness of the words, caused the little crowd she had to widen their eyes slightly in shock. The blonde wondered if anyone had ever told them off. They sure seemed like spoiled brats who got whatever they wanted. Piper had no doubt that they were.

They were hyenas who feasted upon the downfall of the people they deemed unfit for their world.

"O-Of course," one of them stammered. Piper plastered on her sweet smile again before taking a big gulp of the champagne. It really was a delicious beverage. The people around her seemed to struggle to find a topic, a very hard task for people who were used to having conversations on silver platters for them to grasp whenever their precious little brains stopped working. The blonde had no intentions of starting any conversation with the bunch as they simply bored her. If they couldn't come up with something to say, they would just have to suffer in the awkward silence settled around them. Piper wasn't suffering, quite the contrary. She found it amusing how everyone seemed to fidget with whatever was available to them as if to keep themselves looking busy. She took another gulp of the liquor and raised an eyebrow in a challenging manner, as if to question whether anyone had anything to add to the stale, or quite frankly dead, conversation.

"So I heard that the Jenkins are having trouble in paradise. Derrick is supposedly cheating on her with his secretary. What a tired cliche." A fat man with a big mustache seemed very pleased with his contribution to the conversation. Some of the people in the semi circle gasped and other nodded with knowing grins. Piper just rolled her eyes while mouthing an exaggerated "Oh my God".

" _You_ are tired cliches. Seriously, gossiping at a charity event?" She down the rest of the champagne before looking for someone else to mingle with. "Fucking hell." Again, the group silenced and _again_ the blonde rolled her eyes. What was she even doing there?

"If you'll excuse me," she muttered before making her way over to John. He said nothing, as expected, and he didn't look remotely amused, probably finding her behavior atrocious.

"Why did you let me go here tonight?" she asked, tone probably harsher than she had intended. The other clenched his jaws, lips in a thin line.

"You asked me to drive you here, Miss Chapman," he answered, completely professional, clearly not having any of Piper's bullshit. Fuck. If she didn't stop acting like a brat, she would soon lose John as well.

"If you would direct your attention to the stage, ma'am, you'd notice that they've called your name." Piper turned around, noticing that everyone's attention was directed towards her. She smiled nervously, walking to the stage, people making way for her as if she was part of some cheesy movie where the nerd is crowned homecoming queen.

As she walked, she heard hushed conversations about her odd behavior, masked with faked smiles and applauds. It was such a strange feeling to notice the small details that probably always were present, but went unnoticed. One woman didn't even bother to smile, just gave her a disgusted once over before turning to, what Piper assumed was, her husband to whisper something in his ear. His smile faltered quickly and morphed into an expression that the blonde could only describe as scandalized. She took a deep breath as she walked up the few steps to the stage, pulling out the cards for the speech from her purse. As she got to the podium, she let her gaze wander over the sea of people. She didn't know many and the few she recognized, she only knew by gossip.

She wet her lips and looked down at her cards, reading the first few words in her head.

"I, uh..." she began, still staring at the paper in her hand. The words began blurring together and she couldn't tell if it was because of the alcohol or her nerves. Piper looked up again, laying eyes on a painfully familiar face. Healy. She clenched her fists around her cards, swallowing thickly as her blood turned into liquid nitrogen.

"You know, I had this _great_ speech about inspiration and aspiration, but fuck it," she said, words laced with poison. The people in the audience turned to one another, talking amongst each other and probably debating if she had gone insane. She let go of the cards and grabbed the microphone instead, bending down to talk into it as it was stuck in the stand.

"I have tried so hard to fit into this world, so hard that I even pretended to be someone I'm not." She glared pointedly at the silver haired man whose face had turned completely white. He seemed to struggle with his breathing for a while. _Good_. But Piper wouldn't sink to his level, she wouldn't throw him under the bus. It would be so easy for her to ruin him, though. She had him under her sole, she had power, but at the end of the day, he wasn't even worth the dirt under her shoe.

"But honestly, I'm over it. This is such a toxic environment and I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to contribute to this massively scaled bullying." She tore her eyes away from the man who had caused her so much pain during most of her life, looking elsewhere.

"You people talk so much shit and if something isn't good enough, it gets shunned. If _someone_ isn't good enough, they're shunned." As soon as she made eye contact with anyone, they looked away, as if they would get some horrible disease would their eyes linger.

"The sad part is that none of you will take this to heart and tomorrow it's the same again. I won't take part." Piper shook her head, sighing deeply. Everyone heard what she said, but no one listened. Well, they probably heard. She did slur quite a bit after all.

"I quit or resign or... whatever. I don't want this anymore. You gotta find a new mayor." The blonde let go of the microphone and put the cards back into her purse, walking a few steps from the podium before walking back again. She grabbed the microphone once more and leaned down.

"Thank you," she finished and finally stepped down from the stage. The room was dead quiet and even the waiters and waitresses stared at her. As she started walking through the crowd and towards the exit, people parted for her like the red sea to Moses. She grabbed a glass of champagne from some staff member's tray and downed it right away, handing the empty glass to one of the guests, giving her a cheerful "Thank you very much." Her steps felt so light, like she had literally lost a lot of weight suddenly. It was like the gravitational pull had decreased and she was walking on the surface of the moon. Why hadn't she done this sooner? She walked over to the door and opened it, John following suit as she left the grand room. Only eight steps down the stairs, she heard the door open and close again.

"Piper Elisabeth Chapman!" Mr. Healy shouted from behind her. She turned around and faced the man whose color had returned in full, a deep red coloring his skin as if he'd fallen into a bucket of paint. John stretched out his arm over the other man's chest to stop him from marching up to the blonde, resulting in him getting pushed harshly to the side. Her bodyguard- no, her _friend_ moved towards the old man again, looking about ready to beat him up.

"Stop, John! He's not worth it," Piper called out. "What do you want?" She directed her attention to Sam, eyes cold and words with so much resentment that the old man seemingly forgot his rage for a moment. He took another step down the stairs, another step towards her, and she could feel her fists starting to shake. She hadn't even noticed when she had clenched them.

"What the hell was that all about? That is not the speech you were supposed to hold!" The blonde shook her head, the corners of her mouth pointing downwards in disgust as she furrowed her eyebrows.

"What? No! I read the cards word by word," she hissed, voice dripping with irony. She walked up a step, struggling to keep her balance. She felt sober and piss drunk at the same time and her body seemed to have a hard time deciding between the two.

"Piper, you irresponsible brat-"

"Don't you dare talk to me like that," she interrupted, teeth grit to the point where it hurt.

"Without me, you would be nothing," he retorted, smug grin spreading on his disgusting face.

"I am where I am because of myself." Piper was by no means the strongest person, but she had fought hard for her position.

"Really? Do you really think that? You're even dumber than I thought." His shit eating grin grew wider as he shook his head in disbelief.

"You misogynistic piece of shit," the blonde snarled, taking another step towards the old man. John stepped closer to the two, ready to step in if it got too heated.

"I made you, honey," he whispered, leaning a bit closer as to further enhance his dominance. "I'm the one who's been running the show and you know it. You haven't done shit."

"You forced me to stay quiet! You forced me to hide!" Piper started to sound desperate, voice raised and words coming out of her mouth faster than before. Mr. Healy only seemed empowered by it.

"You did that yourself. If you had a spine, you would have done something about it a long time ago." There was a quirk to his eyebrow as if to mock her inability to act.

"I-I couldn't," she stammered. You-"

"I what?" Sam interrupted. "Told you no? As I said, you're spineless. You could have stopped hiding any time you wanted."

"I fucking tried!" Piper exclaimed, taking yet another step closer to her former adviser. "I fucking tried and you payed the reporter to edit out my statement!" There were only two steps between them and the blonde could smell both whiskey and cologne from the old man, making her shiver from discomfort.

"Any time I tried to say anything, you made a comment to completely manipulate the media. You lied to cover up the truth, _my_ truth!" Mr. Healy's smile finally vanished, being replaced by a disgusted frown. His eyes wandered over her body, up and down, as if he could visibly see what repulsed him so.

"No one wants a dyke as their mayor," he said and suddenly he staggered backwards, losing his footing and landed on one of the footsteps, probably hitting his tail bone. Piper's eyes widened in shock. What the fuck? Suddenly John was by her side, linking their arms together as he guided her down the stairs hastily.

"You fucking bitch!" she heard Sam yell. Had she hit him? More curse words and a few whimpers sounded in the large hall, but the blonde was too busy concentrating on where her feet were to even look back. John didn't speak, just kept rushing down with Piper on his arm.

"What did I do, John? Was it my fault? What happened?" she babbled, still very confused about the whole situation. Seeing as Mr. Healy kept yelling after her, she assumed that she'd done something, but she didn't know what. Had she punched him or shoved him?

"You slapped him so we better hurry. We don't want to add fuel to this fire." John stopped as they reached the bottom of the stairs and grabbed her arms, forcing her to look into his eyes.

"We walk fast and we don't stop. Try to cover your face as best as you can," he said before he opened the doors. They were met by blinding flashes again, like a screen of white light. Piper covered her face with one hand and followed the other closely.

 _No more_.

So many people yelled her name and she wanted to respond or at least acknowledge them, but she had disobeyed John far too many times already.

 _It will all be over soon_.

 **AN** : Hello again! So, I don't know how this whole resigning thing would actually work. I just kinda wrote what felt logical? So yeah, please ignore any fault in the political parts because I really have no idea what I'm doing, haha! As always, I want to thank you all for the reviews and follows and everything. You guys don't understand how happy I get every time I get an email from ff. Thank you all so, so much.

All the love. x


	5. Chapter 5

Boneless

She exhaled, a long, constant stream of air escaping from her esophagus. The room fell silent and everything stopped. She didn't know why the news effected her so much, but the bold head line had her head spinning wildly. "Violent mayor Chapman drunkenly announces departure" Alex clicked on the link faster than she'd ever admit, stupidly curious about what had happened. The article was obviously very angled, but it had to hold some truth. The pictures attached were of Piper and one of her body guards leaving the charity event in a hurry, obviously very aware of the upcoming scandal. The other woman had fucked up bad and she knew it. What had gotten over her? The person Alex had grown to like never seemed like a violent person and she certainly didn't seem like a person who would make a fool out of herself in public. She was always so careful so why would she let shit hit the fan?

Most importantly; why did Alex care?

She sighed and dropped her phone onto the table, putting her glasses on top her head, exasperated. The room blurred and it was a welcomed distortion, as if the world had no right being clear while her head was completely cluttered. She propped her elbows on her knees and buried her face in her hands, suddenly completely drained. The couch dipped down further, indicating that her company sat down next to her.

"So I'm guessing you saw the news, then." The raven haired woman nodded, moving her hands to rest her chin on the palms instead. Her eyes were cast on the carpet under her feet. Though she couldn't see it, she knew that there was a faint stain an inch from her little toe. It had been there since one of Nicky's friends had spilled some kind of drink while being tickled. Alex probably knew every other unexplained stain as well, every single stack of old magazines in the littered apartment, every dent in the walls, used to the scenery as she spent more time at her friend's than at her own place. She tried to focus on the discoloration, tried to really picture it as to not see flashes of blue eyes every time she blinked. Why did she have to care? Why did she have to remind herself that the other woman's life continued without her?

There was a hand on her arm suddenly; a comforting hand with a steady grip, a grip to keep her grounded, to keep her from breaking further. Alex grabbed it and held onto it, turning her head to meet the understanding gaze of her frizzy haired friend.

"I shouldn't care," she said, defeated. The other woman's face was empathic, pitying. She didn't want pity.

"Well, it's understandable that you do." The words were carefully chosen, she could tell by the way Nicky spoke. It wasn't a rushed sentence, but a slow one with unnecessarily long pauses between every word, almost as if the other thought that she was treading on thin ice. Alex sighed, leaning back into the plush couch, making the other retract her hand. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, not wanting that response. What she wanted was a punch, a kick, something to take her mind off of the whirlwind in her head. Alcohol hadn't worked, drugs hadn't worked, staying up until she literally collapsed hadn't worked. Whatever she did, there she'd been with her Bambi eyes, all red and swollen from crying. She wanted to be happy that the blonde was suffering, if she even was suffering, but she couldn't. Despite it all, she still loved her and she couldn't just turn off her feelings, no matter how hard she tried. And she had. There wasn't anything she hadn't tried. A therapist might have told her to forgive the other woman in order to move on, but how do you forgive someone who broke your whole being? She put her glasses back on again and leaned her head against the back of the couch, facing the ceiling.

"She's ruining her life," she stated, swallowing thickly. There was a low hum beside her.

"And you don't know why," the brunette said, leaning back into the couch as well.

"I feel like I should know why." Alex furrowed her eyebrows in frustration, clenching her jaw. There was so much she didn't know about the blonde. While she had told so many things about herself, the other woman hadn't said a word. The only things she knew about her was what she had found online. Yes, found. She hadn't just read tabloids that had caught her eyes. No, she had looked for any kind of information she could find; Wikipedia, old articles about her winning track competitions as a kid, _Did you know_ posts on blogs. _Anything_. She didn't like to compare herself with crazy fangirls or whatever, but judging from her behavior, it seemed like an accurate way to describe her actions. Though, she didn't consider herself to be a fangirl. She had actually had some kind of relationship with the woman. Or had she? No. She had fooled herself into thinking that she had, when in truth, she'd just been used.

"You don't know her," Nicky said softly. It sounded like an accusation in her ears. She knew that the brunette hadn't intended it as such, and she probably didn't sound accusatory either, but the words had felt like a slap. As she didn't know the other woman, she couldn't know for sure that she had used her. It sure felt like it, but the blonde hadn't looked like she meant the last words she spoke. There had been something in her eyes, in her tone. It had just felt... off. Alex had replayed that moment in her head a million times, each time feeling like the words had just been recorded. They had sounded so stiff, mechanical, like they'd come from a robot. A robot with the blonde's voice. But again, she didn't know the other woman. It could just as well have been the honest truth.

"I know," the raven haired woman whispered, swallowing around a lump in her throat.

"Look, I know she acted like a cunt and all, but do you ever think that maybe she was already spiraling down? Maybe she just didn't want you to become collateral damage," the brunette ranted, words fast as if to prevent Alex from interrupting her. She did have a point. The blonde was definitely a stranger to drugs before they met. She had been desperate and inexperienced. Yes, she was definitely looking for an escape. The raven haired woman suddenly remembered the only time the other had actually told her something. How had she even forgotten about that? The blonde had told her that she didn't want to marry her fiance, that some Sam guy wanted to force her. What if that was the reason she started taking drugs? But even if that was the case, it didn't automatically mean that Piper liked her.

"It's just easier to think that she doesn't care," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. There was a moment of silence before Nicky spoke again.

"Why?" she asked, making the raven haired woman take a deep, quivering breath.

"So I can get over her," Alex explained, voice weak. She took another deep breath, trying to get her vocal cords to cooperate with her. The brunette gave out a sound of acknowledgment.

"Even if she does care, she obviously has no place for me in her life and I just..." She opened her eyes and leaned forward again, placing her elbows on her knees like before, but instead of covering her face, she let her head rest on her fingertips, rubbing her temples. It took too much effort to think about the blonde all the time. She kept replaying the same scenes again and again; the first time they met, the night at the motel and the fight. It was torture, but some part of her thought that it could help her to make sense of it all, that it could help her with figuring out how she could have prevented the fight. But she couldn't go back in time, she couldn't prevent anything from happening and she couldn't keep thinking about it. It kept her from functioning.

"I want to move on," she whispered, saying the words aloud for the first time. It didn't even sound like she meant them, and a part of her didn't. She didn't want to move on. The only thing she really wanted was the blonde. But then again, she couldn't function properly if she kept holding on to something that she didn't even have. It had been nine days and the blonde hadn't contacted her. There was no use in hoping that she would.

"I can't just hold on to her in hopes that she'll come back." There was a sense of relief when she had finished speaking, like saying what had been on her mind for over a week was a step in the right direction. Even if she couldn't fully commit to her words, not yet anyway, it gave her a sense of hope. Hope that she would manage to move on.

The night in the motel flashed before her again, making her freeze completely.

How could she move on when she kept wanting to go back to that night? She just wanted to hold the blonde again, to kiss her, to touch her. It felt ridiculous, but it truly felt like she _needed_ the other woman, more than she had ever needed anyone before. All those meetings had meant so much more to her than just supplying a client with drugs. The blonde must have felt something too, she must have. If Alex was just a dealer to her, then why did she sleep with her? To hell with _"I just wanted to try"_ , it wasn't true. She had felt a connection in that motel room. There was no way that the other would call her in the middle of the night, crying, if she didn't feel _anything_. She had also said that she put herself first before she kissed her. The blonde wouldn't have kissed her like that if she _"just wanted to try"_. If kissing Alex was putting herself first, then there was something between them. How could she just walk away from that? How could she give up on a person she had feelings for when they were reciprocated?

She took yet another deep breath.

Her whole body ached, but probably mostly due to the harsh treatment she had put it through. The fact that her brain seemed incapable of letting her move on with her life wasn't helping, though. Every fiber in her body worked on overdrive and her whirling thoughts only made her more exhausted. She wanted to sleep, but if she did, blue eyes would occupy her dreams. Every waking moment was the same. There was no way to escape. She was doomed to forever be unhappily in love with a woman who had torn her apart.

"And if she does come back?" Nicky asked tentatively, interrupting the silence that lay heavy in the room. The raven haired woman shrugged and stared at the stain that was visible to her again. She really had no idea. The likelihood of that happening was too low to even consider.

"I don't know... I just- I don't know," she answered lowly, falling back into the couch again, feeling her body almost getting engulfed by the couch. The brunette hummed again, seemingly at a loss of words. There was nothing more to say. It didn't matter what was added to the conversation, she would still be equally lost and the woman beside her knew that. She knew that more questions would agitate her, so she kept quiet. The silence crawled over them again, just as thickly as before. The raven haired woman sank further down on the couch, slouching almost like her bones had turned to liquid. She needed to rest. She needed it so bad. Alex had turned up on Nicky's doorstep just moments earlier, bloodshot eyes and cheeks slightly sunken in. She really hadn't treated herself well. Her whole body was screaming for her to take care of it. It had been deprived of food, sleep and pumped with alcohol and more drugs than she could name.

"Get some sleep, Al. I'll make some food 'til you wake up, okay?" It was Alex's turn to hum, not knowing what else to answer. Her brain couldn't come up with anything sufficient. It wasn't needed. A simple hum was answer enough at the moment and the brunette seemed to agree as she didn't prompt her for further affirmation. She felt gentle fingers removing her glasses as she sunk down even further on the couch. When she'd closed her eyes, she didn't know, but it felt so good, like they had been completely dried up the past week and she was finally letting them rest. She was laying on the couch, head on soft pillows and covered in a blanket, completely unaware of when it all had happened.

"Thank you," she murmured into the room, not knowing if Nicky was still there or not. It wasn't just for letting her sleep on her couch, but for everything else as well. For listening to her, for taking care of her, _for being her friend_.

"No problem," was whispered in return and with that, Alex could finally relax completely. She hadn't let herself sleep or even rest properly for such a long time, but feeling the comfort of the soft pillows and the presence of her friend, she finally gave into what would hopefully be sweet oblivion.

 **AN** : I'm so sorry for the late update! A friend of mine visited and I hadn't seen her in a while, so I decided not to post while she was here. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this new chapter!

All the love. x


	6. Chapter 6

Sleepless Hibernation

There were journalists outside her house, more than it usually was. Piper had seen the news, had seen the articles. They were after blood. She'd really fucked up. Not only had the guests told the press about her poor choice of words, they had also blatantly lied about some things. For example, someone had claimed that she had been loud, screaming even, and that she swore a lot, causing, as he had called it, "quite a ruckus". Some woman had claimed that she'd laughed at inappropriate times, making tasteless jokes. None of those claims were true and they fucking knew it. She must've really provoked them. Who was she to criticize their precious lifestyle?

Not to mention Healy's comments. Piper clenched her jaw.

He'd had the guts to say that she'd _hit him_. As in fist to the face. If she had, he would sport a fucking black eye and not just a puffy cheek. God, she wished she had hit him. Hard. That would make for a great memory, something she'd been robbed from. She couldn't even remember the damn slap. The only thing she remembered was him screaming after her as she ran down the stairs, his loud voice still in her ears as John drove away from the event with her in the backseat.

The only sensible thing she'd done in the past few days was deciding that it would be wise not to leave her house. John had told her as much, causing her to roll her eyes and barricade herself in her room. She didn't know why she felt such an incessant need to act like a damn brat all the time. How John was still by her side was beyond her.

She'd distracted herself the first few hours with books, not being able to fall asleep despite feeling exhausted. When even books failed as distractions, she'd picked her phone up, deliberately not scrolling through twitter. Instead she'd scrolled through her gallery, watching old pictures of strangers' dogs. It was a game she and Cal had made up in Italy when they were kids. The rules were simple, when one of them saw a dog, they would take a picture and then make faces to look like the dog so that the other would guess the breed. Back then, they didn't own smartphones, though, so all the pictures in her phone were of Polaroid photos they had saved. She'd watched them with a smile, but it had dissipated as soon as she'd reached the most resent photo. Although, it wasn't a photo. It was a video. A very familiar video that she'd honestly not watched since the night she recorded it. The only time she'd ever watched it was in the back of John's car when he'd picked her up outside Bud's Place, the volume on her phone turned all the way down.

It was just 8 seconds long.

She had relived those seconds more times than she could count, had relived the whole encounter, watched it frame by frame every time she had her eyes closed a beat too long. It was impossible to delete, forever etched into her mind and she knew that deleting the 8 second video would do nothing. So she had watched it. Over and over again, torturing herself. There were no details on the video, the short clip almost completely blurry as she hadn't been able to keep her hand steady. The raven haired woman's face, or part of her face, could only be seen for one second when Piper had started the camera and it focused. The sounds however. The sounds could be heard by a deaf person. They had been loud. Loud and careless. People could have found out. They still could. If anyone hacked her phone, the video could be leaked, exposing not only her, but the raven haired woman as well. That one second where Alex's face was visible could be enough for someone to be able to identify her. It was unfair of her to keep it.

She tapped the screen, action bar popping up. It would be so easy to just click on the little trashcan symbol, deleting the file forever, but something kept her from doing so. Instead, she stared at the device until it locked itself again. She'd seen the video enough times to replay it frame by frame in her head, to replay the sounds like she'd rehearsed them her whole life. So why was it so hard to delete it? Especially since it felt like someone stabbed her in the stomach with a gutter knife every time she watched it. She'd become a masochist.

It was time for her to do the right thing for once.

While swallowing thickly, she unlocked the phone again, deleting the file before she could change her mind. It was done. It was over. The last physical evidence of the other woman's existence had been removed from her phone. Piper took a shivering breath, not sure if the emptiness in her chest was a sign of relief or something entirely different. She guessed the latter. The texts were gone and the video was gone and Alex was gone.

She clutched the phone that lay on the marble counter before her, squeezing it hard as if that would change everything, change what she had done. Piper had completely removed the other woman from her life. That video had been so much more than just a memento. It wasn't the video in itself that was so important, it was the fact that it was the _only_ evidence she'd had left of Alex as she'd removed both the conversation with her and her phone number. There was nothing left. She'd ruined her chances of ever contacting the other woman again and the emptiness urgently pressing in her chest was most definitely not relief.

Only the memories were left to haunt her. Every wrong choice she'd made in life suddenly seemed insignificant. The only true mistake was erasing Alex from her life.

Even though she clearly needed the other woman, she had turned her back on her, forced her away. It could have been done so differently. She could have told Alex the truth. But she had been so insecure, so scared. She still was. However, her life had drastically changed two days ago. She wasn't the mayor anymore and she was actually free to be herself.

If she'd done something about her career earlier, she would still have the raven haired woman by her side.

Her knees felt weak suddenly, as if the muscles in them had deteriorated, forcing her down to the floor, back against the counter. Piper hadn't cried for two days, had managed to keep herself from drinking as well, but as she sat on the cold tile floor with knees pressed to her chest, her dams burst. Even though she'd felt broken in every way possible, it had been impossible to show any emotion for those two days. Her eyes had been blank since she'd come home from the charity event, face unreadable. Underneath that facade, though, lay a ruin of what once was a great structure. A structure with cracks, but a great structure nonetheless. She had been unstoppable, a force to be reckoned with, someone who achieved her goals. That all changed when she decided to buy drugs for the first time. The cracks had spread, branched into smaller fractures, causing her walls to crumble. She was a ruin and she finally let it show again, tired of keeping all her pent up emotions at bay. It was ridiculous how unstable she was. There were a lot of people who had been through worse things, but there she was, on her kitchen floor, sobbing into her arms that were embracing her knees because of a bad break up. Pathetic.

The sound of careful footsteps filled the room, filled her eardrums. She felt so naked, so exposed. Even though she had been crying a lot lately, it felt like something had changed, like it was shameful to cry. Without looking up, she could tell that it was John who had entered the room. She recognized the way his shoes sounded against the tile, recognized the way the atmosphere changed whenever he was around. He had been her rock, the one she could lean on, but it felt wrong. He must have been dead tired of her constant whining and Piper didn't want to bother him anymore, didn't want him to feel like he had to take care of her. He actually didn't as she technically wasn't the mayor anymore.

The blonde squeezed her legs closer to her body, feeling smaller than ever, feeling lonelier than ever.

John sat down beside her, putting his arm around her shoulder and pulled her towards his body. She complied immediately, used to the motion. Without thinking about it, she let go of her legs and embraced the man with one arm, the other limp between their bodies. He stroke her arm in a comforting manner, hushing her softly.

"You're strong, Piper. You'll get through this," he whispered reassuringly. She shook her head, sobbing loudly into the other's shoulder. Although the words were kind, she couldn't believe them. She wasn't strong, not anymore.

"I'm weak. So weak," she managed between quivering breaths. Her voice was rough, like she had been smoking for 40 years. John answered, saying something about not doubting herself, but he didn't understand, didn't know. He kept talking, but Piper couldn't concentrate on his words, sound drowned by her heartbeats pounding in her ears.

"John, I-" She interrupted herself, not really sure what she was supposed to say. The words had just left her mouth before she could think, her mouth apparently eager to share something her brain had yet to comprehend. There was a slight pause, the room holding its breath as if some earth shattering secret was about to be spilled. Neither of them spoke and the man did nothing to urge her on, just waited patiently for her to continue. Her heart was beating faster and she still had no idea why her body was reacting the way it did.

"I love her," she said suddenly, the words low and unsure. "It hurts so much."

John stiffened, seemingly as shocked to hear those words as Piper was to have said them. He took a deep breath before going back to stroking her arm, softly, reassuringly. The blonde held her breath, waiting for the other to say something, anything.

"That explains a lot." There was no judgment in his voice, just realization. Piper felt herself go limp in his arms, suddenly weightless. Her chest expanded, lungs filling up like balloons, and for once it felt like it was enough, like she wasn't drowning. She had gotten used to the suffocating feeling of never getting enough oxygen, the feeling of something constantly blocking her airways. But it had disappeared. Her esophagus was clear and she could breathe properly again. It felt like she'd taken a particularly strong mint. The air felt crisp and almost foreign, filling her lungs with ice, the easy feeling quickly turning into something else, something ugly. It took a sharp turn and started burning instead, scorching her insides like she had swallowed lava. The contrast made her throat close up again and tears stained the man's suit further. She was supposed to feel at ease, supposed to be okay, but as soon as something positive happened to her, she was sling shot back to reality with full force. She'd told John the truth, but he wasn't the person she needed to tell.

"Does she know that?" the man asked carefully, as if he had read her mind. Piper shook her head, sniveling like she was three years old and had dropped her ice cream cone. There was a pause again, as if the other contemplated what to say.

"If you really love her, you should tell her." The man sounded sure, careful, yes, but so sure. She wanted to tell the other, wanted her to know everything, but it wasn't that easy. Even if Alex had confessed her feelings to her in her sleep, it didn't mean that she still felt the same way.

"I can't," the blonde managed, swallowing thickly as to not break down completely again. "I fucked up." She grabbed the fabric of his suit desperately, clinging to him like a mountain climber to their rope. The tears kept pouring out of her eyes, like tides with ebbs and lows.

"I-I said things I shouldn't have," she whispered, voice weak. "She hates me." Piper tried to concentrate on her breathing, tried to will the tears away. She was sick of crying, sick of making herself the victim. If anyone was a victim it was Alex. And also Larry. Larry had definitely gotten the hardest blow.

"Did she say that?" John asked, pulling her out from what was sure to have become a downward spiral had her train of thoughts continued.

"No." The word was barely a whisper. It sounded too hopeful to say it aloud, like the fact that she hadn't explicitly said the words meant that it wasn't true. The raven haired woman had to hate her. It was logical. The blonde hated herself too, so it wasn't like she blamed the other.

"Then you can't say that she hates you." Piper's breathing ceased to work, esophagus closing up for what felt like the umpteenth time. She couldn't risk thinking that. It was set up for disaster. Considering how hard she'd fallen when she ended whatever it was they had, it was almost impossible to imagine a different outcome when getting rejected herself.

"You need to talk to her," he said, stroking her back comfortingly. "At least then you'll know for sure." The blonde shook her head, probably smearing snot all over the other's shoulder.

"She won't listen. You don't understand, I-"

"The things most people regret in life," John interrupted. "are the things they didn't do." Even if his voice was stern, it sounded so soft, like he genuinely cared about her. It was hard to believe otherwise, though, when he had been by her side and seen her at her worst. But, Piper still found it hard to believe that people could get anything out of a friendship, or whatever, with her. She was like a clingy baby and relationships needed maintenance, they were not one way streets.

"She might tell you to fuck off, but she might also understand. I, for one, would rather live knowing that I did all I could to salvage something that I broke instead of always wondering _what if._ " The blonde stiffened in his arms. He made it sound so simple, like it was something that she could actually do. It was dangerous to play with those thoughts. She already had _what if_ s, but John's words created new ones. It wasn't just _what if she won't listen_ and _what if she can't even stand to see me_. Instead, her head whirled with _what if she forgives me_ and _what if we can put this behind us_. Piper clenched her jaw and swallowed thickly, thinking of positive outcomes for once. It itched in her body, like a vague reminder that she shouldn't be too optimistic. She sat up straight and met John's eyes, eyebrows furrowed in fear and insecurity. The dark skinned man said nothing, but his face told her all she needed to know. He would be right there beside her. Her chin started shaking as she held back tears. For once they weren't sad tears. They were grateful ones and John must have realized as his face softened further and he gave her a warm smile.

"B-But I don't know where she lives. I-I don't even know where she likes to hang out." Hopelessness washed over her again and her body slumped down as if she suddenly had weights on her shoulders. Her gaze dropped to the floor as she gave out a shaky exhale.

"Hey," the man said and put a finger under her chin, urging her to look up again. "We'll find her." He looked so convinced, almost as if he already knew the other woman's whereabouts. While Piper didn't feel as optimistic as she had moments ago, something in John's eyes told her to trust him. She grabbed the man's hand under her chin, squeezing it tightly, as if it was a lifeline, _her_ lifeline. There was a moment of hesitation before she nodded slightly, movement so small. The other stood up and pulled her up along with him. His arms were around her in a strong embrace, assuring words being mumbled into her ear. What would she do without him?

"John, I..." she began as a sudden realization hit her. Her thoughts had been elsewhere for two days, but it was time for her to take control of her life again. The other would help her find Alex, he was there for her, but there were more urgent matters that needed to be taken care of. She could ask her parents, but just the thought of that made her anxiety rise like bile in her throat.

"This house, it's... It's as if Larry's still here all the time. All the memories... it's just... It's too much." The man loosened the embrace as if he was about to let go of Piper completely, but she just pulled him in closer, feeling his arms tighten around her again. Despite finally showing trust toward the other, looking him in the eyes just felt too much. She felt so pathetic for what she was about to ask, like asking for something would be the final straw. John had already tolerated enough of her bullshit and she didn't want to seem like she took his kindness for granted. It must have been hard for him to keep his cool around her. Yes, he had scolded her a few times, but she had needed it, had needed to be taken down from the dark cloud filled with resentment and snide comments. He had been there for her when no one else had. He had called her out on her bullshit when she'd been bratty. He had been more of a parent to her when it was needed than her own parents had. They hadn't visited her after the scandal, hadn't even bothered to call and check up on their only daughter. Whenever she'd done something that the tabloids praised, they were there to show support, especially when the press was around, but as soon as Piper had ventured out on dangerous waters, they just disappeared, not to be heard from. Not that they had been very social at all lately. Ever since she kept out of the public eye, phone calls from both Carol and Bill had been sparse. It was as if they had smelled the upcoming scandal and went into hiding beforehand.

The blonde squeezed John even harder, wanting more than anything for him to just spare her from her family. She took a shivering breath, bracing herself for every possible outcome.

"I need somewhere to stay."

 **AN** : I'm so sorry again for the late update! I have no excuses this time. It was just plain and simple laziness to be honest. Thank you all so much for the comments and all that jazz, it makes my heart happy!

All the love. x


	7. Chapter 7

Lay It on Me, It's My Burden to Bear

The door was brown. It was brown and it felt ginormous before her. Robust. Like there was an entire forest between her and the other woman's apartment, an entire world. If she wanted, she could still turn around, spare herself and Alex from the inevitable pain that she was about to stir up. Yes, she was about to apologize, but just seeing each other was bound to hurt. Piper already hurt just knowing what she'd done to the raven haired woman. She had looked so _pained_ , so _broken_. The blonde swallowed thickly at the memory, biting back tears. What if she looked at her with the same pained expression when they locked eyes? It would be deserved. Or more like, anger would be deserved, a slap would be deserved, hell, a punch in the face would be deserved. She had called Alex a _mistake_.

The only mistake was throwing the other woman away.

She would argue that it was her fault entirely, but it wasn't really true. Sure, she was the one who said all those horrible things, that was on her, but if it wasn't for Healy's constant manipulation, she wouldn't be so damn insecure, so afraid of acting on her actual feelings. That was what made her break things off. Her fear. He had deserved that slap and she would do it again if given the chance. Luckily, he hadn't pressed charges. He could have sued her for everything she was worth, but was probably scared that Piper would drag a few too many skeletons out from his closet.

God, she just wished everything could be over.

She had really messed up when she announced her resignation five days prior, especially since she'd been _very drunk_ while doing so. Not only had the press spread nasty rumors about her, but she had also demolished the New York politicians' reputation. Good people were under a lot of pressure because of her. Some of the people she had worked with for years, people who had put their faith in her, were at risk of being fired for just being associated with her. Or maybe that was just what the papers were writing. She had no contact with said people so she really didn't know. The people she did have contact with just poured paperwork over her and tried to force her to make a public apology.

The worst part, though, was the way they terrorized Larry. They had waited outside his house, demanding a comment from him whenever he left the comfort of his home. The things they wrote about him were just awful, calling him "an irresponsible husband" or "a man with no balls who can't control his woman". The latter had gotten a lot of hate from women all over the country, but they all had agreed that Piper was an awful human being for what she had done. Her parents had been under some heat as well, but they did what they did best; they hid from the world, apparently being spotted on some island in the Caribbean. Shocker.

Piper was so sick of everything. Everyone wanted her to do what they thought was the best course of action. What she wanted, however, was to just disappear for a while.

And she wanted to tell Alex that she was sorry for _everything_.

She raised her hand and made a fist, stopping herself before she knocked. John had driven her there. He had found out where Alex lived so that the blonde could at least tell her the truth, but as she stood there in front of the large door, she felt the confidence drain from her. Not that she had been that confident to begin with. When she woke up that morning, she had been so nauseous, terrified that John had found something. He had, obviously. He'd walked into the kitchen when Piper had poured herself a cup of coffee, telling her that he had found the raven haired woman's address. The blonde had been filled with both hope and petrifying anxiety. It was her chance to make things right, but the thought of actually facing Alex was terrifying. Not because she was scared of the other woman, but because she was scared of the outcome. There were so many "what if"s and every one of them made the blonde's stomach churn uncomfortably. The bad ones, understandably so, but the good ones weren't supposed to upset her. But they did. Probably because she felt like she didn't deserve understanding or forgiveness. Alex had every right to hate her, to never want to forgive her, _to forget her_.

A shaky breath made its way past her slightly parted lips.

There was a rustle from behind the door, a sound very faint yet undeniably familiar. It sounded like someone shuffled a bit before grabbing something plastic-y, or maybe a flimsy fabric. Just as she realized that the sound she heard was someone putting on a jacket, the door clicked and instinctively she moved out of the way as to not get hit by the massive wood. Suddenly she was face to face with the raven haired woman. Alex's arms dropped to her sides, shock evident in her face. She looked as drained as Piper felt, puffy bags under her eyes and cheeks slightly hollowed. The blonde felt the air getting knocked out from her lungs. It wasn't fair. The other woman shouldn't have to suffer, everything negative should lay on Piper's shoulders and her shoulders alone. She felt how her own arm dropped to her side, only then realizing that she'd had it raised all along. Alex's eyes suddenly hardened, narrowed slightly, jaw clenching tightly.

"The fuck do you want?" she spat venomously, putting one hand on the doorknob, as if to prevent the blonde from barging in. The words felt like razors against her eardrums, sharp and vicious. It took Piper everything she had not to break down or run away. Her stomach felt icy, like it was a black hole, an all consuming darkness that started to amass and grow rapidly. She swallowed thickly again, willing herself not to throw up. Whatever happened, whatever reaction Alex had to her apology, she had to stay strong. She couldn't just go back to her self loathing spiral and disappoint not only John, but also herself. She was stronger than that. She had to be. The past 13 days had been hell, but she had to pull through. God, when did she become so melodramatic? A breakup shouldn't affect her so much, but it had truly felt like her soul had been torn apart.

"Well?" Piper hadn't realized that she hadn't answered.

"I, uh..." she croaked, not really finding her voice. While she wanted to bare herself, show Alex her hands, her eyes remained calm, gaze steady. She was afraid that letting any emotion shine through would would be dangerous, like it would so easily tip over, verging on too intense whichever emotion she showed. The air felt so thin in her lungs, like they had been filled with helium instead of oxygen. It made her breaths shallow and fast, as if she'd been running for miles. Was it possible to suffocate even if she was breathing?

She cleared her throat before speaking again.

"I came to apologize." It was nothing but a whisper, a hoarse one, but Alex's reaction was instantaneous. Her eyebrows shot up, an annoyed wrinkle between them, making her glasses ride up slightly on her nose.

"Are you kidding me?" she asked incredulously. "Get out." Her words were scolding hot, red and dangerous. There was so much power behind them, so much force, contrasting her tired appearance. The blonde felt a big lump in her throat, blocking her airways, making it even harder to fill her lungs properly. She had been suffocating for so long, drowning. She had been lost at sea without the other, laying at the bottom of the ocean, hoping to get a glimpse of the sunlight, but everything had been dark, pitch black. Seeing Alex had made her float. She'd seen the surface, had reached out towards the light, had been so close to breaching the surface, but she was sinking again, the darkness closing in, pressure increasing around her body.

"Alex-"

"Get out. No fucking way," she interrupted, shaking her head, clearly not wanting to talk. "Get out." Her green eyes looked to the front door then back to her again, gesture emphasizing her words. Piper opened her mouth to speak again, but was interrupted again by the other woman moving to close to door. She had every reason to be upset, but she just wanted to explain her actions, to tell her that what she did was a dick move, but that she had her reasons. Shit reasons, but reasons nonetheless.

"Please," she whimpered before the door was completely closed. Alex froze, a fraction of a second away from shutting Piper out. There was a gap between the door and the wall and when the blonde realized that the other wasn't moving, she gathered the small amount of courage she possessed and swallowed her fears.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was so small, so low. It held no strength, but judging from the shaky inhale from the other woman, it had been heard. The blonde didn't want to cross the line, but she felt a strong urge to just grab the doorknob and force the door open, to see Alex's face. She wanted to stroke her cheeks, run her fingers through her raven hair, kiss her soft lips. She wanted to embrace the other woman and hold her close. She wanted to breathe her in and keep her in her lungs, keep her on her tongue, keep her on her skin.

"I-I know it doesn't change what I did," she stammered, "-but I truly am sorry." The blonde started fidgeting with her fingers, keeping herself focused on something other than the bile rising in her throat. She raised her gaze to the ceiling, blinking rapidly to prevent the forming tears from escaping. The muscles in her chin contracted, causing it to press against her bottom lip. As slow tears made their way down to her ears, both the lip and the chin started trembling.

"I hurt you," she started, voice breaking on the second syllable, "-and I hate myself for it." She lowered her gaze again, placing a tentative hand on the doorknob. Despite her previous thoughts, she gently pulled the door open, getting no resistance. Alex was facing the floor, stance stiff and guarded. Again, Piper wanted to reach out and... and something, everything. She just wanted everything to be okay again, to be better, to be good.

"I-" The rest of the sentence got stuck, trapped in her vocal cords. She sniveled and swallowed thickly, hoping to free the words that she needed to say, the words that Alex probably didn't want to hear. But she needed the other to know, needed her to hear them. The raven haired woman looked up, eyes watery. Tears ran freely down Piper's cheeks and her face was probably completely contorted. She squeezed the doorknob that she still held onto and swallowed around the lump in her throat.

"I love you," she confessed weakly, more tears staining her skin. The other woman's eyebrows knitted together as her eyes welled over as well. She looked fragile, like she would break into smithereens if touched. But she was already broken and the blonde was the reason for it. She had dropped her on the floor and was trying to pick up the pieces, cutting herself on thin shards as she desperately tried to glue them together.

"That's not fair," the raven haired woman whispered, clenching her jaw so hard that it looked like her teeth would crumble from the pressure. Hearing the other say those words felt like a jab to her stomach. Piper hadn't planned for it to be some strategy where she pulled out her trump card to win, _I love you_ meant so much more to her. It was her putting all the cards on the table, showing her hand no matter the stakes.

"But it's the truth. I lo-"

"No, you don't," Alex interrupted again. "You don't know me. I don't know you," she rushed out, sounding desperate, like she needed her words to be true. The other woman crossed her arms over her chest, defensive, protective, securing the wall she had built up again.

"I do know-"

"I think you should leave." Piper closed her mouth. The air around them seemed drained, like the two of them had exhausted it from oxygen. Her breathing got faster. She didn't want to leave. Even if she'd predicted that the other woman would be far from happy to see her, there was still that twinge of disappointment, like her guts got twisted around a bit. It hurt knowing that the other wanted her gone.

"Alex, please," she begged, breathy and desperate and broken.

"Goodbye, Piper." She hadn't processed the words fully until the door before her was closed. No. No, no, no. It couldn't end like that. She let go of the knob and placed her hand on the dark wood, stepping closer and leaning her forehead against it. Her whole body started shaking, little tremors starting at her fingertips and ending at the tip of her toes. The hallway seemed so empty, like it was a vacuum, putting pressure on her body from every direction, making it feel like she was about to implode. There were still so many things she wanted to tell the other woman, so many things she _needed_ to explain.

"I was weak," she said, voice sounding so loud and intrusive in the bleak hallway. "and I was scared." It felt pointless talking to a door, but somehow it felt like Alex still stood on the other side, maybe even in a similar position as Piper. She took a deep, shivering breath before she continued.

"I was scared of the prejudice I would meet and I was scared of ruining everything that I had worked so hard for." _What her parents had made her work for._ Her career wasn't really hers. At first, yes, she was interested and passionate, doing everything in her power to make it better for people, standing up for the lgbtq+ community and getting their stories told, but after a while, she wasn't doing it for herself anymore, for the people she cared about. Numerous people had told her that standing up for the little ones was a bad idea and that no one would listen, that it was better to talk about their problems once she was in office. She never got the chance, though. Once she actually was the mayor, there were more urgent things to address. At least according to her adviser. Every choice was made _for her_ and every choice was thoroughly planned so that her parents would be happy and proud, so that Healy would be happy and proud. _She_ hadn't been happy nor proud for a really long time.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I ended up hurting the two people I care most about in the world." It felt important to tell Alex how much she meant to her, like that fact would somehow help ease the pain she had caused, at least a little. Though it was probably hard for the other to believe her words when she'd told her just two weeks ago that she'd never felt anything, that what they'd done was disgusting. She cursed under her breath, wiping away stubborn tears from her eyes.

"I thought that it would be easier if I just let you go," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "For both of us." What she said sounded so foreign. Sure, she had reasoned like that, but deep down she'd known that it wouldn't be easier, that she would break further by losing the raven haired woman. And she'd known that she would hurt Alex by saying those horrible things. But it would be easier for the other to move on if she hated her.

"You deserve so much better." It was a fact and it was stated as such, but the words burned in her throat like wildfire. It was painful to imagine the older woman with another person, with someone who made her happy, with someone that wasn't her. She didn't want Alex to be with somebody else. _She_ wanted to be the reason for the other woman's happiness.

"And I thought that if I made you hate me... I thought that it would make it easier for you to move on." What she said was so contradictory to what she was thinking. It was almost as if she painted herself as some hero when in reality, she was more of a villain. She swallowed thickly, deciding that she would tell the whole truth and not just the embellished version.

"But I am selfish and I want you back." Her voice broke, making her sound small again. She sniveled, sound echoing loudly in the hallway. For a moment, she felt sorry for the neighbors. They didn't care about some stranger's feelings. A low thud from behind the door made her refocus on her monologue.

"And I want more," she said, sounding more sure. She didn't want to go back to their old ways with the other woman being her drug dealer. Ideally, she wanted Alex to stop selling drugs entirely and she wanted to stop using as well. Not that she had been using for a while, but she'd replaced the drugs with alcohol instead. While it wasn't illegal, it definitely wasn't a good substitute. What she wanted was something substantial, something real, something concrete. The raven haired woman was all of those things.

"I want to hold your hand when we're outside. I want to buy a coffee machine and toilet paper. I want to stay in bed with you on Sundays until we're too hungry to just lie there." She opened her eyes and watched as her fingers traced the grains on the wooden door. It was as if she described an imaginary future that couldn't possibly happen, like her fingers painted the scene on the surface separating them.

"But most of all-" She paused, taking a deep breath. "I want you."

"Just you."

 **AN** : I'm the worst person ever, Jesus. Again, and I say this a lot, I'm sorry for the late update. There are just things that get in the way sometimes and this time it has been my head. I just haven't had the energy to update as I feel like this story didn't turn out the way I wanted. Don't worry, though. I'll definitely finish it, but it may take a while longer than I initially intended. I hope you enjoyed this pile of angst, there's more to come.

All the love. x


	8. Chapter 8

Two Pieces of the Same Puzzle

Her knees were pressed to her chest, head resting on them and hands nestled into her raven hair. The words coming from the other side of the door had ceased and she could have sworn that she'd heard steps retreating. That meant that she was alone again. Piper had said that she _loved_ her, that she wanted her, but apparently not enough to stay. If only she had stayed a few more minutes...

Alex had been so close to giving in, but the prolonged silence followed by fading footsteps kept her from moving from her spot on the floor. The door was still cold against her back, probably due to the draft in the hallway. Although, her body had felt cold most of the time for about two weeks. There was a constant black hole inside her that seemed to consume any warmth or comfort. Whenever she thought that she was doing better, the black hole was there to absorb all the positivity. Just a few days prior, she'd decided to forget about the blonde and then she had to show her face and fuck her up again. How was she supposed to move on when she never got a fair chance?

There were steps outside again. Alex turned around quickly and pressed her ear to the door, hoping that the other woman had returned. When she heard the door opposite hers open and close she resumed to her previous position, giving out a deep sigh. She shouldn't want to hear the blonde's voice again, let alone hold her and kiss her, and it frustrated Alex. Especially since Piper had confessed to her that she felt the same. It awoke the longing again, the want, _the need_. However painful it was to admit, she needed the blonde. She needed her for some unknown reason and she was beyond questioning it.

A soft thump was heard from outside the door, _against the door_ , sound vibrating through the wood, making the raven haired woman jump.

"I can't just- I don't- _fuck_." Alex's eyes widened as she realized that the person speaking was Piper. Without thinking, she stood up and started pacing back and forth, running a hand through her hair. Okay, she needed to think. Even though her instinct was to just open up and embrace the blonde, her brain thankfully prevented her from doing so. Instead, she walked to the door and leaned her forehead against it, placing a hand on it as well, tracing the grains in the wood with her fingers.

"I love burgers," the other woman blurted out. "It's a guilty pleasure of mine." There was a moment of silence before more words poured out from the blonde's mouth, seemingly without much filter.

"Shake Shack's burgers, seared on a grill with tomato and melted cheese on a fresh, soft potato roll." Alex couldn't help the smile that formed on her lips. It was such a random thing to say, but it actually warmed her to hear it. It was a little piece of Piper that wasn't general knowledge, at least not as far as she was aware.

"I tried a juice cleanse once, but I couldn't go through with it because I found pork rinds in the fridge." The blonde sounded like she didn't particularly enjoy reliving that memory. What kind of juice cleanse did she even try? The raven haired woman's smile widened as she closed her eyes, trying to envision the other's grimaces as she spoke. Piper was a very expressive person. When she spoke, her face moved as if a puppeteer pulled some strings to control the muscles.

"When I was a kid, I didn't jump out from the back of the bus." Alex's eyebrows knitted together. It didn't sound like something any kid should be doing and the blonde seemed disappointed for not doing it. What kind of school had the other attended? Was it some kind of hazing?

"It was a tradition. The bus driver even slowed down so that no one would get hurt." She nodded her head in understanding even though the blonde couldn't see it.

"I said that I didn't need to jump off a bus to prove that I was fun, but I was actually just scared. I didn't want to end up like Marcy Kline." The raven haired woman could see little Piper anxiously looking to the back of the bus with her Bambi eyes. If only she knew what a brave woman she would become. The smile faded from her lips. _If only she knew how much pain she would cause_. She felt so selfish for thinking like that, but she couldn't help thinking about it. She backed away from the door and started pacing again, putting her glasses on the top of her head. It would be so easy to just let the other woman in, literally and metaphorically, but it was her turn to be scared. She was scared of getting hurt again.

"I had a friend named Polly." Something in the other's voice sounded somber and Alex figured that it had something to do with her using past tense. She'd _had_ a friend named Polly. In other words, she'd had a friend and lost her somehow. It pained the raven haired woman to hear the hurt in Piper's voice. It shouldn't, but it did. Given how badly Piper had treated her, she should at the very least feel somewhat good about the other's suffering, but she just couldn't. Not when she sounded so wounded.

"I almost started a soap business with her instead of getting into politics," the blonde said, the last part lower. She walked to the door again, putting her glasses on before pressing her ear against the hard surface to hear better.

"I chose the latter to get my parents' approval," she mumbled, barely audible. "I chose my engagement to get my parents' approval." The change in her voice was so obvious and as much as she'd hated Piper for hurting her, she understood why she had. It wasn't the other's choice entirely, that much was true. While she didn't know if her parents had flat out told her that she couldn't date women, they must have made it clear that it wasn't acceptable. Alex had always been lucky on that part. Her mother had always been supportive and she couldn't even imagine what it would feel like to not have that.

There was a pause in the other's monologue, an uneasy silence that made Alex almost nauseous. She put her hand on the door again, feeling like it was the closest she could come to holding the blonde's hand at the moment, to comfort her. In some weird way, she could swear that Piper had her hand on the same spot as her but on the other side. It was as if the wood felt warmer there somehow, like the other woman's energy vibrated through the material separating them.

"I don't even know if you're listening..."

Alex wanted to tell her that she was listening, that she had heard everything, but she wasn't really ready to talk to Piper yet. She knew that if she opened the door, she wouldn't be able to keep herself in check, that she would rush into something she wasn't entirely ready for. The other woman was nectar and she was a bee. If she only kept herself from facing the blonde, she could actually stay away. She had so far.

She scrambled for the phone in her pocket, pulling it up and unlocking it quickly. _Please, Piper, don't go just yet. Please._ Her fingers trembled as she typed out a simple _"yes"_ and hit send. It took a few seconds before she heard the other's phone going off. There was a faint gasp outside the door. She must have read it.

"Can- Can you open the door?" The question was tentative and not commanding at all. She sent another text with just one word. _"no"_.

"Okay," the younger woman answered, sounding like she considered her next words carefully. Alex's heart was beating so hard in her chest. She felt like a lovestruck teenager texting her crush. It wasn't far from the truth. She fidgeted with her phone, anxiously waiting for... something.

"Do you want me to leave?"

She typed out another quick _"no"_ and hit send right away. As a silence settled between them again, she started thinking about the confusion she must have created. There wasn't much she could do about it, though, as she herself felt confused. She didn't really know what she wanted. On one hand, she wanted Piper to stay with her, but on the other hand she needed time to think things through. Besides, the blonde wasn't really with her when she was outside the door. But she couldn't invite her inside. She didn't trust herself.

"Okay," the blonde said again, sounding unsure. Alex leaned her head back, facing the ceiling with her eyes closed. What did she want? She sighed deeply before she looked down on her phone again, fingers working quickly on the screen, typing words and deleting them. _Fuck_.

"So you want me to stay out here in the hallway?" It sounded so cruel when said aloud. She hadn't meant it like a punishment or anything, but the blonde sounded so disappointed, like she'd just gotten a timeout or something. The raven haired woman sighed again, typing out yet another _"no"_.

"What do you want me to do, Alex?" Piper sounded exasperated, hurt even. She swallowed thickly, knitting her eyebrows together. What was she supposed to answer when she didn't know herself? Her throat started closing up, making it harder to breathe. She felt cornered. It wasn't the blonde's intentions, she knew that, but the words sounded so urgent, so stern. Why did she have to read into everything so much?

She started typing again, finally writing something that made sense. _"Maybe it's better if you leave."_ There was a second of hesitation before she hit send and when she did, she regretted it immediately. It sounded so final. She sent another text right away, hoping that she hadn't already burned all the bridges. _"I don't want this to be the last time I see you, though."_

"Of course," the other woman responded almost instantaneously. Alex sent another text, glad to hear the enthusiasm in the blonde's voice. _"I just need time, okay?"_

"No, I- I get that. Me coming here, it's... It's a lot." Again, the raven haired woman nodded, knowing full well that Piper couldn't possibly see her wordless affirmation. It felt so stupid to text when the other would hear her just fine if she just opened her mouth and spoke, but she felt safer somehow, like texting was the only way she could filter herself. She was good at speaking before thinking and she didn't want something bad to slip out. She also felt like her tongue and vocal cords wouldn't cooperate with her.

"Just... Just take your time and- I don't know, call me or text or something maybe." When she didn't answer, the blonde walked away from her door, steps echoing between the bare walls in the hallway. Just like that, she had left the building, left _her_. She knew that she was the one who told her to leave, but her heart stung. Every second they were apart felt wrong, like a piece of her disappeared with the other woman.

Alex typed out a new text, reading and re-reading it. _"I love you. I want to be with you, always. I love you so much. I love you. It hurts. I love you. I love you."_ Something stained her glasses, obscuring her vision. It took her a few seconds to realize that she was crying again. She hadn't shown it, but as soon as she closed the door on Piper, tears had poured from her eyes, making her whole body shiver. Hearing the other talk again had made her calm down a bit, though, filling her with warmth as the words hadn't been laced with guilt. They were soft words, little tidbits of what could be.

Typing out the words she hadn't dared to say aloud had made the warmth disappear completely, though. Instead, she was filled with icy dread. It wasn't easy to love Piper. It wasn't like romantic comedies where every problem could be solved with flowers and love letters. Loving Piper meant uncertainties and questions.

She took off her glasses and dried them with her t-shirt, rubbing at her eyes and not giving two shits about how much she had fucked up her make-up. Instead of going to the bathroom to wash it off, she went to the living room and sat down in one of the armchairs, re-reading the text she hadn't sent. Even though she meant every word, she couldn't tell the blonde. It wasn't the right time. Those words were reserved for another day. She did see a future with Piper after all. There was nothing else for her. She saw the two of them holding hands in public, she saw them buying an unnecessarily expensive coffee machine together and that soft toilet paper that Nicky always talked about, she saw them in bed on lazy Sundays, just kissing each other until their lips hurt. Alex loved that woman so damn much and nothing would ever change that.

 **AN** : Thank you so much for being so patient with me and also thank you for all the lovely comments. I'm so glad that many of you are excited for updates and I'm sorry it takes so long for me to upload new chapters. I have my reasons, but it just sucks that you guys are affected by it as well. Anyways, this story is coming to an end soon. There aren't many chapters left and hopefully, it won't take too long. You guys are so awesome and so kind to me. It warms my heart. Thank you all so much and also a huge thank you to my beta Trasigtnintendo. This fic wouldn't be what it is without her.

All the love. x


	9. Chapter 9

Breaking the Chains

Her whole body was trembling, shaking even, as she paced back and forth in the room. A lot of people were waiting for her to enter the adorning room and walk up to the podium. _A lot_ of people. Not only the journalists, but also the people watching the broadcast. She wanted to leave the building, to run away from her responsibilities, but people were counting on her. Her former colleagues, John, _Alex_.

They had been texting pretty much non stop since she'd showed up at the raven haired woman's apartment four days ago. Nothing they wrote was especially deep and they certainly didn't talk about what had happened between them. Piper wanted to save those conversations for when they were eye to eye. All she had to do was wait and while she did that, she was happy just being able to tell the other woman about what she'd had for lunch. While it wasn't ideal, it was a start. There would have to be a lot of conversations about insignificant stuff before they could discuss anything more personal.

When she'd mentioned the press conference, the other had told her that it was a good idea. Alex was right, of course, just as John was when he'd said the same thing. It was a good idea. And yet, Piper couldn't help but to feel like running away was the best option, to hide from the world and forget about everything that had happened.

As she was but minutes from walking into the other room, her nerves seemed set on tearing her apart.

When she'd woken up that morning, she'd been so nauseous. The first solution that came to mind was reaching for the bottle she'd stored under her bed, but it hadn't been there. She had thrown it out herself. The only other option she had was to empty her stomach, which she'd done. Since she hadn't managed to eat the day before, bile was the only thing that had cascaded from her mouth.

It wouldn't surprise her even a little if it happened again when she began speaking. Why had she agreed to do a press conference? And a live one at that.

John walked up to her, placing a steady hand on her shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. He was like a mother hen, always comforting her and leading her in the right direction. Without him, she would be lost. She had told him that again and again, but John, being such a humble man, had just shrugged it off as "doing the right thing". While it wasn't untrue, it wasn't something to be shrugged off. Most of the time, it seemed as if humanity had lost the ability to do the right thing when given the opportunity. Not just anyone would help a stranger just because they noticed that they were in pain.

Piper nodded, not quite knowing why, before inhaling deeply, holding the air in her lungs for maybe a few seconds too long, making the exhale shaky and loud.

No. No, she couldn't go through with it. The scrutiny would be unbearable.

She started shaking her head, looking down at the floor with wide eyes. The hand on her shoulder felt hostile all of a sudden, like it tried to force her into doing something she couldn't handle. Piper squirmed out of the grip and started pacing again, feeling everyone's eyes on her. They didn't know anything. They had no right to judge her.

"I can't do this," she breathed, eyes widening as the words left her lips. "John, I- I can't"

"Yes, you can, Piper." John's voice was calm, as calm as the expression on his face. He had too much faith in her. It was strange considering that he had witnessed the total fiasco that night at the charity event. She shook her head again, stopping in the center of the room to get her lungs to work properly. They had a tendency to malfunction, but it really wasn't the right time for her body to shut down.

"No, John. Please, I wanna-" She interrupted herself, placing one hand on her midriff. What did she want to do? Did she really just want to escape from everything? Did she really want to push her problems under the carpet and never address them again? Did she really want to be just like the rest of her family?

"This won't be easy, but you can do it" She turned to John who was speaking again, breathing evening out a little bit. He had that effect on her sometimes. There was just this ever present calm surrounding him, making it just a little easier to relax.

"You're much stronger than you think," he continued. Piper swallowed thickly and walked up to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. His arms instantaneously enveloped her, lulling her into a cocoon of safety. She knew that she would eventually have to leave the comfort of his embrace, but she wanted to cherish the feeling just a little longer.

"I believe in you," was softly whispered into her ear, words warming her like hot cocoa on a winter day. The comfort was short lived, though, as her press secretary told her that it was time to walk out to the reporters. She let go of John and nodded, adjusting her clothes before she was ushered towards the door.

As she stepped into the conference room, several flashes blinded her. The light seemed unusually threatening and for probably the first time in her life, they scared her to the point where she wanted to crawl inside of a shell and disappear. She was used to cameras, had even loved the spotlight when she began her career, but she knew that the reporters present were there for one thing; to make her look bad. They disguised it as wanting answers, but what they really wanted was a story that could sell. No one cared about the fact that they were basically terrorizing a human being. The worse they made her out to look, the better the story.

She walked up to the podium and lay out the cards with her short speech.

"I want to start this conference by thanking you all for coming, so... thank you," she started, feeling the nerves get the better of her. It sounded so awkward and judging by the looks of some reporters, it sounded as bad as she'd imagined.

"As you know," she began, taking a short breath before she continued. "Saturday the 7th of October, I publicly announced that I resigned from my position as mayor of New York." Some of the people in the front row nodded as if they wanted her to get to the juicy parts already. She'd been thrown into a lion's' den, all on her own. They would tear her apart while she was still alive.

"However, the manner in which it was announced was inappropriate and for that, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies." It was as if the words rolled off of her tongue like a boulder from a steep hill, uncontrollably fast and wobbly. Hopefully, it sounded better to her audience than it did to her. She looked down on her cards even if she knew exactly what to say. The speech was etched into her brain as she'd read and re-read it at least a hundred times, practiced it in front of the mirror and in front of John to really learn what to put stress on and when to really enunciate. She took a deep breath before she looked up again, getting hit by the same nervousness as when she entered the room. Facing the reporters made it more real, more intimidating. When she looked down on her cards, she could at least pretend that she was alone. That was impossible when faced with at least a dozen strangers.

"At the time," _Deep breaths, Piper._ "I was struggling with some... with some personal issues which led me to act distastefully." She gauged the reactions, swallowing nervously when one of the reporters nodded knowingly, a faint smirk visible on his lips. He couldn't know, could he? The blonde hadn't told anyone, so why was he smirking? Panic started to rise in her chest, making her mouth go dry. It was all too much. Her eyes wandered over the room as the silence grew thicker. People started to look impatient. They probably thought that she was drunk. She had just intended to make a short pause before continuing, but that one smirking man had planted a seed of doubt in her head.

Swallowing thickly, she lowered her gaze, seeing her hands tremble while clutching the speech cards. The room wasn't as quiet anymore. People were growing increasingly impatient and some started whispering between themselves. Piper took another deep breath before uttering the last sentence of her speech.

"I am deeply regretful for my actions," she finished, a little too quickly, voice trembling slightly. Her press secretary walked up next to her and cleared his throat.

"Miss Chapman is now ready to answer your questions," he announced, putting an awkward hand on her upper arm. It took the blonde everything she had not to shy away from the touch. She didn't know the press secretary well enough for him to invade her personal space like that, but it would be rude to back away. Fortunately, he backed away first, stepping back to where he stood before.

Piper looked up at the sea of people again, wetting her lip nervously before nodding to one of the reporters.

"Is it true that you were drunk?" the woman asked and the blonde realized that it had been a mistake when she agreed to answer questions. While she had understood that some questions would be about alcohol, it still felt like a slap in the face when put on the spot. _You knew that this question would come. You've practiced. Breathe._

"Yes," she answered weakly, getting a follow up question right away.

"Do you have a drinking problem?" A lump formed in her throat. She really should be used to the feeling, but it still made it harder to breathe, like it was blocking her esophagus entirely. She tried to swallow it down or a least around it, but it wouldn't budge.

"I-I was-" she stuttered, taking a shaky breath before she continued. "I was intoxicated a lot during a certain period, but I wouldn't necessarily call it a drinking problem." Again, the woman was quick to ask another question before the blonde could give the word to another reporter.

"Can you elaborate?"

"I was never really addicted," the blonde began, sounding like she was trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "I just... chose to drink." The words were clumsy and she regretted them as soon as she'd said them. They would surely be misinterpreted.

"So you chose to show up intoxicated to a charity event for starving children living in poverty?" the reporter shot back immediately and Piper was at a loss for words. How would she answer that? Whatever came out from her mouth next would just sound like lame excuses that no one would believe.

"She will not comment on this. Next question," her press secretary was quick to interject. She hadn't even noticed him stepping up next to her again. He pointed to another reporter, giving someone else the chance to speak.

"Why wasn't Larry Bloom at the event?" he asked, leaning forward in his chair as if he was about to hear some interesting conspiracy theory.

"He was elsewhere," she answered simply, nodding toward yet another reporter for the next question.

"Is it true that you were drunk because Larry had an affair?" Her eyes widened. What kind of stupid person would come up with that? When had he ever shown a side that would indicate that he was a bad person? Why was that even a relevant question? She wasn't there to answer questions about Larry and they weren't there to ask about him either.

"No, he would never." Her answer was curt, on the verge of agitated. She made sure to glare, just a second, at the idiotic reporter before shifting her attention to another man.

"Did you really hit Sam Healy?" he asked, looking almost hopeful. Piper knew what to answer. She'd gotten this exact question when she practiced with John, but her mind went blank. _Now's not the time, dammit!_ She leaned towards the microphone, well aware that it wasn't needed, but she needed time to think. It was time she didn't have, though. The reporters wanted answers and hesitation would indicate lying.

"I don't recall," she said a little too close to the microphone, the consonants sounding sharp. It wasn't a good answer. She could imagine John covering his face with his palm, sighing with disappointment.

"So you're saying that he's lying?" _Fuck_.

"No, I said that I don't recall hitting him," she answered stupidly. She was digging her own grave with a shovel provided by the reporters. Her cheeks were starting to heat up from the embarrassment, the lump in her throat growing larger.

"So you were so drunk that you don't remember what happened?" another reporter asked. The people in the room started whispering among themselves, their expressions getting more excited, hungrier. The lions were about to strike.

"She will not comment on this," the press secretary said again, sounding a bit stressed. He must have felt the change of atmosphere as well, but did nothing to stop the predators from attacking.

"But why were you drunk in the first place?" The question came from the back of the room and Piper couldn't answer before another question came from the front row.

"Have you been drinking for a long time?"

"What triggered the hateful speech?" The blonde opened her mouth, but didn't know what to answer. She didn't know what to answer to any of the questions that had been thrown at her. The structure of the conference had gone to shit and people were just shouting out their questions to be heard.

"Have you been in contact with your family?"

"What does Larry think about this?" Everyone was speaking so loudly and Piper wanted to cover her ears with her hands. Her heart was beating so hard in her chest and it felt like it would actually break out from her rib cage if she didn't calm down soon. She took a step back from the podium, clearly uncomfortable, and the press secretary walked up to it to take control over the situation. He raised his hands, looking like a music director before a crescendo, as he told people to calm down.

"There will be no further questions," he began, waiting for the crowd to still before he continued. "Miss Chapman will formally resign from her position at the end of November when the party has found a suitable replacement." He spoke so matter-of-factly, like he wasn't at all affected by the previous commotion. The reporters seemed to calm down a bit, still on the edge of their seats, though.

"Until then, she will continue to fulfill her duty as mayor and she will do this in a sober state. That is all. Thank you." As soon as he stepped away from the podium, the reporters stood up and started shouting questions again. Piper was frozen to the spot. She could neither walk back to the podium nor leave the room with the rest of her crew. Instead, she stared at the hungry lions that seemed just about ready to attack. The cards in her hands were probably all crumpled up, but she couldn't be bothered with them. What had her undivided attention was the reporters in front of her.

There were two steady hands on her arms suddenly, breaking her from her trance and steering her away from the crowd, into the adjacent room. Her body was shaking again and she didn't know when it had started. As the door shut behind her, she was pulled into a steady embrace by the same man who'd guided her away from the reporters.

"It's okay, Piper. It's over now," John whispered into her ear as he stroke her back. The blonde gave out a shaky exhale, a long one, emptying her lungs completely. It was done. She'd made it through the press conference. Barely, but it was finally done. Despite the horrible outcome, she felt relieved. So what if she'd made a fool out of herself? It wasn't like she had any intention of having a political job in the future anyway.

She pulled the man in closer, squeezing him tightly and clutching the jacket he was wearing, pressing her face into his chest. It felt so good to have someone who had her back, someone who supported her. John had held her hand and guided her through all the bullshit, had guided her towards a better future and for once in her damn life, she felt invincible. Not only was she in better terms with Alex, she was also starting to untangle the mess that her life was. If that meant pissing off some people in the process, so be it. She had to do what was right for her.

"I'm finally seeing some light," she whispered, words probably only audible to John. Piper could feel how he nodded his head, squeezing her just a little tighter to affirm that he'd heard, that he was happy for her.

"Thank you," she said and she really meant it.

 **AN** : This chapter took so much longer to upload than I expected and of course, I'm very sorry. I hope you enjoyed it, though, and I hope you're not too angry with me for being so slow with the updates. There is only one more chapter after this and there might possibly be an epilogue. I haven't really decided yet. Anyways. Thank you all so much for your support. You guys are truly amazing. And again, I'm sorry for being so slow.

All the love. xx


	10. Chapter 10

A Slow Overture

She fidgeted with her fingers nervously, breathing a bit shallow and uneven. Her heart seemed to beat irregularly and it was doing nothing to calm her down. And she kept unlocking her phone constantly, just to check if she was in the right place. She was. It was just... Her nerves prevented her from relaxing. Not that there was anything relaxing with the situation she was in. She hadn't seen Alex in two weeks and that was about to change. In just a few minutes, the raven haired woman would join her for a coffee.

She'd actually expected it to take months before getting to see those beautiful green eyes again, but for once in her life, the universe was smiling at her, granting her this one thing. However, she was very aware that it was just a coffee. There was no way of knowing if it would lead anywhere or if Alex just wanted to meet up to turn her down. Either way, she sat there in the corner of the cafe, a large cappuccino in front of her, waiting for the love of her life to show up.

Her eyes were so focused on the phone, preparing herself for a text from Alex cancelling the plans, that she didn't notice when another person showed up beside her. It wasn't until said person sat down in front of her that she looked up, cheeks heating up immediately as her eyes landed on the features of a gorgeous, raven haired woman.

"Hi," Piper breathed, feeling slightly out of breath.

"Hi," Alex answered, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. The blonde could tell that she wasn't completely relaxed, posture stiff and smile seemingly nervous. Their last encounter hadn't been all that great so it really wasn't that unexpected that the other woman was uneasy. Piper was nervous as well, after all.

The silence stretched out between them, this awkward sort of silence where it's impossible to relax. Piper had kind of expected them to just fall into easy conversations and that would be that. It had seemed so effortless when Alex had opened up to her all those weeks ago, when she'd shared experiences with her like they'd know each other forever. Piper had come to love those stories so much, had loved how it'd felt like she'd been to Spain herself, walking along the beach there beside Alex, how it'd felt like she'd been the one ruining that toaster in Cambodia. It had been such a relief to take part in those little adventures, to have heard Alex share those private moments with her, like she actually meant something, like Alex wanted her to be part of her life.

Sitting in front of her in that café felt far from inviting, though. Alex had built up that wall again and Piper didn't even have a small clay pick. She had nothing that could tear it down.

At least it didn't feel like it.

"So-" Piper began, interrupting herself as Alex said the exact same thing at the exact same time, also closing her mouth once she realized that Piper had spoken as well. They both gave out awkward little laughs, the blonde's cheeks heating up at the clichéd moment. Alex nodded towards her as if to tell her to continue.

"How have you been?" Piper asked, question almost a whisper. Alex's smile faltered a bit as she nodded, seemingly contemplating what to answer. It was such a loaded question. Piper didn't just mean the last couple of weeks, she meant since they split and Alex looked like she knew that, seeing as her eyes flickered down to Piper's cappuccino. She almost regretted asking, but she was dying to know. She wanted to know if it was even possible to move forward or if their relationship was doomed before it could even start. Alex had looked so fragile, so weak, when Piper showed up at her apartment. If she'd felt even half as bad as she'd looked, Piper would never be able to forgive herself.

Alex wet her lips before she spoke.

"It's… it's been tough," she said and looked up at Piper again, her piercing green eyes looking so honest. It felt like a slap in the face. Not that she didn't deserve it.

Piper nodded, clenching her jaw. Alex's gaze didn't falter when she continued.

"I, uh… I didn't think I would want to talk about it today, but..." There was a slight pause before she continued. "You really fucked me up," she said with a humorless chuckle, vulnerability flickering in her eyes, but disappearing quickly, as if she wasn't willing to share those kind of emotions again.

Piper swallowed thickly, feeling her lungs close up. It wasn't a surprising statement, but just like Alex, she hadn't expected to talk about this so soon.

"I-I know. I'm sorry." It sounded so simple, too simple, like the words leaving her mouth didn't even begin to describe how bad she felt. They didn't. They were just flat and meaningless in the grand scheme of it all. _I'm sorry_ would never erase what had happened. _I'm sorry_ would never erase the guilt. _I'm sorry_ could never erase the pain that Alex had felt, that Piper had caused.

"I never meant for it to get like this," Piper said. "I never meant to hurt you." Again, it was an oversimplification. While her words were true, it just sounded like they held no meaning, like she was just spewing out clichés because it was expected of her.

"Yeah, well, you did." Alex's eyebrows were furrowed ever so slightly, lips parted as if she wasn't done talking. But nothing else was said.

"I know, but I-" Piper began, sentence getting stuck in her throat. She'd said it aloud before, but it was still hard. It was hard to admit her weaknesses. They meant that she wasn't as strong as she tricked people into believing.

"I know that it's no excuse, but I was…" She took a deep breath. "I was really scared."

"Scared of ruining your career, I know." Alex's words were so dismissive, like she knew the reason for her fears without _understanding_ them.

"Yes," Piper answered lowly, looking down at her hands. They were holding onto the mug on the small table between her and Alex and to anyone passing by, it might have looked natural, relaxed, but that mug was her lifeline. It kept her from shaking, from crying, the heat against her palms grounding her.

"But you have to realize that-" Piper's voice was starting to tremble, words coming out strained. She took another deep breath, squeezed the mug a bit and met Alex's eyes again.

"My career was everything I had, Alex." The only reaction Piper got was a slight scoff, but she didn't feel deterred. She wanted to explain her behavior and if Alex still didn't accept her reasons when she was done, then that was that. She couldn't force Alex to give her a second chance if it didn't feel right and she didn't want to. No matter how much she needed Alex, it obviously wouldn't work if it was one sided.

"It was something I had control over," she continued, furrowing her eyebrows and lowering her gaze again. "Or, something I _thought_ I had control over."

"I had no control over my personal life and I had no control over my emotions." It had been made clear that she wasn't supposed to show people _anything_ , really. At least nothing other than her indisputable heterosexuality. She'd basically been a fabricated person with handpicked attributes to make the ideal female politician.

"Politics was just… it was something with structures, something I could calculate, something I was good at." Piper nodded distractedly, as if to underline her words.

"Until it wasn't even me making the decisions," she almost whispered, crease between her eyebrows deepening.

"I never realized that I was just a puppet." Her voice got a bit sharper, but it was still low. "Healy was… he was in my head, pushing buttons I didn't know I had and… I did things that I didn't want to do." Her eyes found Alex's again and she was relieved to see that there was a calm sort of understanding in them, like something had just clicked.

"I was used to just repressing all my feelings and when I met you, everything just fell apart." Alex was listening intently, seemingly on the edge of her chair. It was good to see her actually taking in what Piper was saying and not just sitting there rolling her eyes. It sparked a bit of hope in her chest.

"I was already unstable, but you just… you made me feel again. You made me feel something that wasn't just anxiety." She let go of the mug in front of her with one hand to reach for Alex's that rested a few inches from her, but stopped mid-movement. While Alex had agreed to meet up with her, it didn't mean that she could just take liberties.

"And then I panicked," she said and put her hand back on the mug again. Alex gave a short nod before lowering her eyes to the table.

"I panicked because I knew that we couldn't be together," Piper explained. "I knew that I had to end it." Her tone was somber, eyes glossing over. She wouldn't cry. She didn't want to make it seem like she wanted pity or like she was the victim. Instead, she swallowed before speaking again.

"I still wanted to prioritize the only certain thing I had in life, the only thing I knew." Piper could see the muscles in Alex's jaw get taut.

"I know now how wrong that was," she said, watching as Alex looked up again, meeting her eyes. The impulse to grab Alex's hand got stronger when she saw that vulnerability again. There was hope in her beautiful, green eyes and Piper held onto it.

"I'm done being scared. I just want you." Alex wet her lips and leaned back in her chair, adjusting her glasses that had slid down her nose a bit, suddenly looking so unsure. Piper really didn't blame her, but it was frustrating watching her withdraw.

"If you'll have me," she added carefully, still holding onto that little bit of hope. Something in Alex's face changed, but she couldn't quite tell if it was for better or for worse.

"I don't trust you, Piper," she said finally, voice careful. It was as if that sentence was a needle, popping her lungs and deflating them. Piper couldn't hold back the shaky sigh escaping her lips.

"But I don't want to lose you." It was as if the room silenced around them, like the world stopped turning on its axis. Piper's mouth stretched into a wide smile, her whole face lighting up like a firehouse.

"Don't make me regret this," Alex said, masking her own smile poorly. Piper bit her bottom lip, shaking her head enthusiastically.

"Never."

xxx

It wasn't a very large apartment, but then again, she didn't really need that much space. Especially since she'd decided to rid herself of most things she'd gotten with Larry. She didn't own much anymore, and while that sometimes felt kind of sad, she always tried to remind herself that less things would make for an easier transition to start over. All of her political obligations were long gone and she'd even gotten a new job. She worked at a youth centre for LGBTQ+ people who needed a safe place, a place to connect with others in similar situations as them.

For once, it felt like she was sticking up for the people who she'd vowed to help as the mayor of New York. For once, it felt like she was being true to herself. For once, it felt like she was doing the right thing.

It was exactly four months since she'd held that press conference and not only was John still very much there for her, Alex was as well. They were taking things slow, but Piper could proudly call herself Alex's girlfriend. There were still things they were unsure of, things they hadn't really talked about, but they were getting there.

And at the end of the day, she could call Alex hers.

But even that wasn't enough to keep all her insecurities at bay. A large part of her was still in shock, was still sure that Alex would realize her mistake and just leave. Piper had been horrible and that was sure to leave scars.

Whenever they talked about what had happened, whenever they tried to work through some unresolved feeling, Alex would close up and get quiet. Piper hated that. Not because Alex wouldn't speak, but because she was afraid to open up, afraid to let Piper in. But eventually, she would come around and they would discuss whatever problem they had.

But sometimes, it would take days for Alex to do so.

"Jesus, is that wall really necessary?"

Piper looked to where Alex was pointing, a half-wall separating the kitchenette from the small living room. Alex had complained about minor details in all the apartments they had looked at. It was like she expected Piper to move into the Hilton's or something.

"Well, it's not really in the way, is it?" Piper pointed out, humor lacing her voice. Alex turned to her and squeezed her hand, looking mock-offended.

"Are you telling me that my eye for interior design is bad?" Alex asked and placed her free hand on her chest.

"What if I am?" Piper challenged teasingly, pulling Alex a bit closer to herself. They were only about one feet apart, neither of them bothered by the intrusion of their personal space.

"I'm not sure you can be my girlfriend anymore. You clearly have poor taste," Alex said with a twitch of her eyebrows, corners of her mouth having a hard time not quirking up.

"Oh, is that so?" Piper laughed, taking a step back, hand still securely holding onto Alex's. "You didn't complain when I picked out those wallpapers for your place, did you?" When she got no immediate answer, she tilted her chin up to add a bit of cockiness , biting her bottom lip as if to prevent herself from speaking. It didn't last long.

"I thought so!" she triumphed, laughing again, watching Alex roll her eyes fondly.

"Alex Vause, speechless for once," Piper teased, being the one getting pulled in this time. They stood closer than before, both grinning widely. Piper let go of Alex's hand and placed her arms around her neck instead, embracing her. It didn't take long before Alex's arms were around her waist.

"I don't think this is the right apartment for me," Piper said lowly, like it was a secret, getting a hum in response. It didn't really matter much what apartment she moved into. She would still end up spending most of her days at Alex's anyway.

They stayed like that for a while, swaying a bit to imaginary music while other people came into the room to check out the apartment. They were absolutely in the way, but neither of them cared enough to pull away from each other. Until the realtor separated them to ask if they were even there for the tour.

They both laughed harder than what was appropriate when they were kicked out for having said no.

xxx

She traced the features of Alex's face with her fingertips, memorizing all the little details she hadn't let herself notice before. The birthmarks on each side of her face, the laughter lines, the soft curve of her lips. They were all so small and to others, insignificant. But to Piper they were beautiful parts of a constellation, details that made Alex, Alex.

They'd lain like this for hours, just taking each other in, occasionally speaking softly. It had been a little over five months since they'd started seeing each other again and everything felt right, like they were supposed to be with each other. However, despite how good it felt when they were together, it didn't take away how much it hurt when they were apart. Not in the sense of just wanting to be together all the time, but in the sense of guilt. She still felt so bad for what she'd done and even if Alex had begun trusting her again, she couldn't stop thinking about how little she deserved that trust.

Alex wet her lips, eyes flickering down to Piper's for a split second as she moved a little closer.

"We shouldn't," Piper whispered, retracting her hand. They hadn't kissed yet. She wanted to, of course she did, but she couldn't trust herself with that. If she kissed Alex, she wouldn't want to stop.

"It's okay, Pipes," Alex answered, cupping Piper's cheek. "It's okay." While it was very tempting to give in and just let their lips connect, she couldn't do that just yet. It was too soon. They still hadn't talked about everything yet. At least it didn't feel like it. There was this disconnection between them, this tension, that made it feel like something was still unresolved. Piper had tried to wrack her brain for what she could've forgotten, but no matter how hard she thought about it, how many times she replayed their conversations in her head, she couldn't figure out what was unsaid.

"Hey, I can see you overthinking this." Alex's words were soft, so soft. "Relax. Just let it happen." Piper swallowed thickly, but did nothing to move away when Alex got even closer.

"I don't… I don't want to rush," she breathed, eyes shifting between Alex's. "I want to do this right."

"If you don't want to kiss me, that's fine," Alex whispered softly. "But please, just… just don't think that I'm not ready." The hand on Piper's cheek moved down to her neck, thumb stroking her jawline.

"Because I am," Alex continued. Piper could tell that she was being honest, but she was still a bit unsure. The look in Alex's eyes told her not to worry, though.

"I want this, Piper." The words were low, just above a whisper. "I want you." Alex leaned in, movement so slow, as if to give Piper a chance to pull away. She didn't. The last thing she saw before closing her eyes was Alex's mouth forming a soft smile.

Their lips met in a tender kiss, a tentative one at first, but Piper couldn't help but to completely melt into it. She loved this woman so goddamn much and it just felt so right. From the way Alex's grip on her neck tightened just the slightest, as if to keep her from pulling away, to the way her lips just fit against hers.

There were no fireworks going off in her head, but she was immediately lulled into a sense of calm, a sense of belonging, like she was meant to be this close to Alex. She was, in a way. She had known it for a while. Alex was her home. Whenever they were together, the storm in Piper would ebb out. Despite her insecurities, Alex always made her feel safe and loved and eventually, any negative thought would dissipate. Until she was alone again. When she was alone, all the insecurities would come rushing back to her, almost crushing her under their weight. She was still so unsure, still so uncertain if she could ever be enough for the other woman, if she would ever deserve the other woman despite what she'd done.

But now she wasn't alone. She was with Alex, kissing her. The last time they kissed, it was a goodbye. Now it was a hello. This kiss meant that they were one step closer to each other, one step closer to being whole. But it was still a long way to go. At least for Piper. Alex seemed to have gotten so much more open, so much more secure in their relationship. Her wanting to kiss Piper was proof of that.

Piper placed her hand on Alex's hip, body moving closer on its own accord.

It was still a soft kiss and despite them lying flush against each other, it didn't turn heated. Neither one of them wanted more from it than the intimacy, the comfort of finally trusting each other enough to have this without it turning sexual. Piper would wait another year, several years, if that was what Alex wanted. She wanted her to know that their relationship meant more to her than the physical aspects.

Alex was the first one to pull away. She leaned her head against Piper's, exhaling deeply. Piper didn't mind the fact that they were breathing each other's air. It just added to the feeling of closeness.

They were silent for a while, just basking in each other's body heat.

"I love you," Alex whispered, as if to try the words out. Piper felt her body go rigid, fearing that she might have heard wrong.

"I love you," she repeated, louder this time. Piper deflated immediately, going limp against the mattress. The only time Alex had said those words was that night at the motel. It had stayed with Piper, but she hadn't heard it again. She hadn't said it herself since she showed up at Alex's apartment all those months ago, hadn't wanted to pressure on her to say it back.

Hearing it felt like the heavens had opened up for her. Nothing would ever come close to the feeling of hearing those words from the other woman.

"I love you too," she replied. "So much." Alex put her arm around Piper's waist and pulled her into a tight embrace. Piper did the same, burying her face in the crook of Alex's neck, the one place the felt the safest, and in that moment, it felt like they would be alright.

* * *

 **AN** : Hellooo! Long time no see! I'm so sorry for this super slow update, but as I've said before, life happens. I'm also sorry for being slow with replying to comments. The past months have just been... crazy, to be honest.

This is the last chapter, but I do have an epilogue if people are interested in one. If yes, please, do tell me. If no, this is it. You guys have been so patient with me and I am beyond amazed and humbled. Thank you guys so much for sticking with this story until the end and just know that despite being the slowest person in the history of ever, I do appreciate every single one of you and every single comment, favorite and follow has made my stomach all tingly and my cheeks red. You guys are amazing. Again, thank you so much for your support and thank you for doing this journey with me.

Also, a huge thank you to Trasigtnintendo who has been a very good and patient beta. She's helped me so much and without her, this story wouldn't have happened. Thanks, babe. I love you.


	11. Chapter 11

Steal My Eyes so I'll Never Look Back Again

The room was so still, just the sound of steady breathing disrupting the silence. It was still dark outside, only the soft glow from the street lights illuminating the roads. The faint, orange light crept in through the window, making it possible to make out the interior. Piper lay on her side, watching the raven haired woman's serene face as she slept. A few hours ago they made love, a few days ago the blonde realized that she'd more or less moved in with Alex, a few months ago they were both broken.

The other woman insisted that it was all in the past, that they had moved past it, but Piper could still wake up in the middle of the night, fearing that everything had been a dream, that she was still drinking herself dumb every day. That was the reason for her being awake at 4 a.m., drawing featherlight patterns on the other's naked skin with trembling hands. She should be happy, at peace, but the guilt prevented her from moving on completely. There were of course times when everything was good, when she could relax and just enjoy the other's company. It wasn't like she was _unhappy_ , quite the contrary, but sometimes, she just felt like she didn't deserve happiness, like she deserved misery for having treated Alex the way she had. On the other hand, though, she was selfish and wanted nothing more than to just stay with Alex.

It was almost seven months since they got together again and yet, she had moments where she broke down and cried. The raven haired woman didn't know that. Piper didn't want to let on just how bad things still could be for her.

Piper carefully got out of the bed and put on a robe before she left the room, silently closing the door behind her. Even if the same orange light shone in through the windows, the corridor seemed much colder. The soft light had become a harsh spotlight instead. The blonde tightened the robe around her body, suddenly trembling. Though she knew that it wasn't due to the temperature, she started rubbing her arms to create friction.

The kitchen was almost completely robbed from the warm streetlights, only shy streams seeping in between the kitchen counters on opposite sides of the room. It was void of any warmth, really, and the blonde felt how the shivers worsened.

She walked to the cabinets and took a glass out from the cupboard, filling it with water, her hands still shaking. It wouldn't help with the tremors, but drinking something usually helped to calm her down.

She placed the glass on the counter in front of her, staring down at the little waves created by the movement. The cold, dim light shimmering in the water, making it almost look like liquid silver.

If she'd gotten out of bed as soon as she'd woken up, she could have prevented the quivers from getting worse. There were times when she could get herself calmer, when the anxiety wouldn't bloom out fully, but she knew that if she tried to ignore the telltale signs, they got worse. Much worse. It always started the same way; dry mouth, tremors and shortness of breath. If she didn't get a hold of herself before her lungs started contracting, she would cry.

It hadn't happened at Alex's place before, though.

She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on her breathing, holding onto the counter to prevent herself from sinking into the underground. It always felt ridiculous when the anxiety washed over her. She had nothing to be anxious about and yet, there she was, head above the water but still gasping for air. Her lungs were filled with water and she was still drowning despite having Alex as her buoy.

At first, she had been scared that she would wake up in an empty bed, that Alex would have realized that she was better off without Piper. When she realized that that wouldn't happen, she was fine for a while, but then the anxiety came back. The guilt was overwhelming and instead of worrying that the other woman would leave her, she'd started to wish that she would, only to get hit by even more guilt. She didn't deserve Alex and she never would.

Her breathing was so strained, like she was laying on her stomach, face down in a pillow.

Tears burned behind her eyelids as she started swaying back and forth where she stood, hoping that the motion would somehow lull her into some kind of calm She took a shivering breath. _Not now. Don't cry, Piper. Don't cry_. If the raven haired woman woke up and found her in such a fragile state, she would be worried sick. There was too much kindness in her, too much good. The fact that she even forgave Piper was proof of that.

She turned around and sank down to the floor, back against the counter and arms around her legs. It was far too familiar and she felt pathetic for it. What a tired cliché she was, crying on the kitchen floor. How many times had she done that?

She took another shivering breath, sniveling as she still tried to keep the tears at bay. Her body was still shaking even it felt like she had a 200 pound weight on her chest, pressing her down. She was a prisoner, bound to the floor and surrounded by blue. Blue body, blue thoughts, blue soul.

Her eyes were still firmly pressed together and she intended to keep it that way. Until she heard approaching footsteps and a low gasp.

In a matter of seconds, Alex was beside her, arms wrapped around her in a comforting manner. The blonde leaned into the touch and opened her eyes, tears streaming down her face immediately. She was enveloped in the other woman's warmth, comforting words being whispered into her ear. Piper let go of her legs and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, crying even harder. The guilt in her chest grew stronger, clawing deeper. She hadn't intended to show the other her darkness. Alex was so warm and so bright and she didn't deserve to be dragged down. She didn't deserve to have her light clouded by Piper's blue.

"Hey, calm down, Pipes," the other woman said, squeezing her tightly. "What's the matter?" The blonde's body was shaking furiously and she couldn't stop it. Not even Alex's gentle touches and hushes were enough to calm her down. She clutched the fabric of the other's t-shirt and held onto it tightly, keeping her close. It was so contradicting. She wanted the other woman to come to her senses, to leave her and move on, but she wanted her as close as possible as well.

"I'm sorry," she sniveled. "I'm so sorry." Despite the warmth surrounding her, it felt like liquid nitrogen ran through her veins. That's how she would describe the permeating guilt. It spread out through her veins, capillaries and arteries, making every limb almost numb from the cold.

"Why are you apologizing? What's going on?" Alex sounded so worried. Of course she was worried. Piper hadn't told her about her thoughts and now she was sitting on the kitchen floor, crying in her arms. She had become the very definition of a bad girlfriend. Not only had she hurt the raven haired woman, but she also kept things from her, things that were quite serious.

The blonde squeezed herself even closer to the other woman.

"I don't deserve you," Piper sobbed, words muffled as her face was buried in the other's shoulder. There was a hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair gently. It should have been a comforting gesture, but it only strengthened her claim. The raven haired woman was too good for her.

"What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?" Even though there was an underlying distress in Alex's voice, it was still gentle. A little rough and gravelly as it was still very early, but oh, so gentle. The blonde took a deep breath, and another one, and another before she found her voice again.

"I was so scared that you would leave me," she began, not daring to look up. "And you didn't, you haven't, but you should." Despite Piper's valiant efforts to hold onto the other woman, Alex still managed to get out of her grip, placing a soft hand under the blonde's chin and urging her to look up. Alex looked her straight in the eyes, hand gripping her arm tightly without hurting her, demanding her attention. There was a fire in the green eyes. Not a violent one, but a fire of determination.

"I won't leave you," she said, voice as firm as her grip. "I never will." The blonde wanted to look away, wanted to hide her shame, but she kept the eye contact, eyes flickering between Alex's as if to look for traces of dishonesty. In her heart, she knew that the other was telling the truth, but there was still a part in her brain that refused to accept that. She had lost so many people already so why wouldn't she lose Alex as well? All the bad things she had done... She didn't deserve kindness, she didn't deserve love. But the raven haired woman was still there. Despite everything, she was still by her side, still insisting that she would continue to be.

"But I hurt you," Piper said weakly, wiping at her eyes.

"Seven months ago, yes," the other woman answered. The grip on her arms loosened a bit. Alex gave out a low sigh, probably out of frustration, but there was no sign of annoyance in her face or voice.

"I'm not gonna say that I've forgotten about it," she said, pausing a second or so before continuing. "but I have moved on and so should you."

The blonde swallowed thickly. She wanted to, but it wasn't that easy. If it was, she wouldn't be sitting on the kitchen floor, crying so early in the morning.

Alex moved one of her hands to Piper's face, stroking her cheek with her thumb before she spoke again.

"I have said this before, Piper. I forgive you," she said softly. "And if I have to tell you that every single day for the rest of our life, I will." Alex leaned in closer and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, another one on her cheek and finally a light peck on her mouth. She sat much closer than before, hand still on her cheek, and the blonde wondered how she'd moved so smoothly. The room seemed so much warmer, so much brighter. It was as if the sun had suddenly made itself known by peeking out from behind the buildings. That wasn't the case, though. It was still too early.

"Piper Elizabeth Chapman," the other began. "I love you with all my heart and I hope that one day you will too." She felt how her chin started to tremble as her eyes welled up again. The tears running down her face wasn't sad tears anymore, though.

She grabbed the other woman's neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Alex did nothing to stop her.

The two of them sat on the floor in the raven haired woman's kitchen and kissed. It wasn't the most romantic setting maybe, but Piper had never felt more loved. Despite her insecurities, the other showered her with love and kind words and she really couldn't ask for anything else. It would take more time for her to truly forgive herself, but she wouldn't shut Alex out anymore. Any time she felt like her negative thoughts were about to crawl out, she would tell her. At least she hoped that she would. She would try her absolute hardest and if that didn't work she would have to get help. There was no shame in asking for help, she knew that, but her upbringing had consisted of hidden emotions and thoughts and not just regarding her sexuality. She was basically raised to become an emotionless robot. But it had to end. She couldn't live that way anymore.

The two parted, but not completely as their foreheads were still touching.

"I think I need help," Piper said lowly, eyes closed to lessen the impact. Not for her girlfriend, but for herself. Admitting that she had problems was hard, but if she could distance herself from the confession, at least for a moment, it would be easier to process it. She could pretend that someone else spoke, that she wasn't unstable, that she was fine.

"Of course. Whatever you need," the other answered. Piper nodded, inhaling deeply. It felt like she was breathing again for the first time in years, like her lungs had finally been cleared. She took another deep breath, savoring the feeling of clear airways. It was such a small thing to be excited about, but the blonde felt like she was finally afloat again. She was still in the water, but she was floating on her back. And Alex was beside her, holding her hand. They would get ashore together, but for the time being, they were fine with staying in the water, facing the starry sky together.

The hand on her cheek moved down a bit, cupping her jaw instead, supporting her, grounding her, making her feel safe. She placed her own hand on top of it, squeezing it to show that she appreciated the gesture. They sat like that for maybe a minute or so, Piper wasn't entirely sure. It seemed like time had stopped and they were the only two things that mattered in the world. Everything else was just background.

"I love you," Alex whispered, disrupting the silence. The blonde couldn't help the smile spreading on her lips. It was a genuine smile that for once didn't hide any guilt or sadness. She was surrounded by brightness. Bright body, bright thoughts, bright soul.

"I love you too," Piper answered.

Despite their fallout, they had mended their relationship into this beautiful and strong thing. There were still insecurities, but they were there for each other. The raven haired woman had proven that over and over again, but especially as the two of them sat on the floor together. Alex hadn't even hesitated before joining the blonde on the floor, had done everything in her power to comfort the blonde and to support her. Piper would do the same in a heartbeat. There was nothing she wouldn't do for the other woman. She was the love of her life. They weren't completely okay yet, but they had persevered through rough times. It had strengthened their bond and brought them even closer. Though their relationship had been broken, they were repairing it, day by day. They had rebuilt their mutual mosaic and were in the process of filling the bold cracks with molten gold. The repaired image would be even more beautiful than it had ever been.

They would make it. They would be fine. They would be good.

* * *

 **AN** : This is it! This is finally it! The end of an era, haha! Okay, I'm gonna stop shouting now. But seriously, you guys. You are so amazing, each and every one of you. To all of you who have commented anonymously, thank you. To all of you who have commented while logged in, thank you. To all of you who have read without commenting, thank you. To all of you who have favorited and/or followed me or this story, thank you. You are all so fucking fantastic and amazing and I am beyond grateful for your support. Both this fic and Blue Pieces of a Broken Mosaic have been so hard to write, but you've made it all worth it. I'm sorry it took me so long to finish it, but I'm so happy that I didn't give up and that you guys didn't either. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Just know that you've all made me so happy and touched and it's really made it so much easier knowing that you guys like what I write. This author's note turned into a novel, but I'm honestly just so fucking grateful. Thank you all.

Aaand a little sidenote. My beta has changed her so she's now GayForJustice. Go stalk her or something.


End file.
